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itgetsdarksometimes35 · 5 years ago

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For Freedom

Warnings: This chapter: none; the series: non-con, dub-con, depression, forced marriage, angst, forced pregnancy, 18+

Word count: 4,237

Pairings: Dark!Bucky Barnes / Reader

Summary: Reader is the youngest girl in her family. After being sold to Bucky Barnes, and forced to have his child, she and her sisters look for a way to escape.

~ indicates time change

- indicates a POV change

A/N: Hey you guys! I know I planned on this being the ending, but I thin this will be a small series. The next part will be the ending for sure, though. Hope you enjoy, next thing out will be Love In True Form, and then I’ll get to work on challenges. Then after that, I may have a new series for you all...

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It took months to save up enough money. You only needed enough to get two one-way tickets to Germany, but you were scared to take out too much in fears of James finding out. In that time, your oldest sister, Lucille, had twin boys. She had 5 sons altogether now, and you couldn’t wait to see her again. You hadn’t spoken to her since she was married and taken away years ago; Anne seemed to be the person who was doing all the communicating for you all. The second oldest, Vienna, had 3 daughters before she finally had her son. Her husband refused to give up until he had an “heir.” Anne had only 3 children, two boys and a girl. All the names to your nieces and nephews were a mystery, along with their faces and ages. You could guess Lucille’s twins’ ages were less than a year, but you could never be sure. Anne knew you had your son, but she didn’t know his name. She never asked, and she told you not to tell her. You weren’t sure if your other sisters knew, but it would only be a matter of time before they did.

Bucky had turned 1 years old a month prior to you both leaving. James threw a small party at a local amusement park that he had rented out for the entire day. His friends and family were the only in attendance, as usual, and the older kids enjoyed the rides while Bucky smiled at all his guests and messed his face with icing from his safari cake. James had been so happy to plan the party; balloon animals, a small petting zoo, and face painting areas all decorated the park. You couldn’t deny the way he beamed at Bucky as he screamed in affection at the baby goat drinking from the bottle or the way he giggled at the stuffed rabbit James’ friend, Natasha, had gifted him. James wasn’t loving with you, but you were thankful it didn’t carry over to Bucky. You wished yours and James’ situation was different. Maybe you’d love him in different lights.

When James thought you were buying groceries one day, you went out to get you and Bucky’s passport and buy your tickets. The passports would be ready and shipped to your house in 5 weeks, you paid an extra fee to get the expedition processing, and our flight would be the following week.

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“See ya tonight, bud.” James caressed Bucky’s head while speaking to the pouting toddler. Bucky was always upset to see his daddy leave for work, and overjoyed when he came back. Your heart clenched. Were you doing the right thing? Then James turned to you and you shook the thought away. Of course you were.

“Have a good day, dear. We’ll miss you,” You chirped as you kissed James on the cheek. He turned his mouth up in a small smile before kissing you on the lips.

“Can’t wait to get back.” He winked at you and your stomach turned at his crud intentions. You were nothing but a walking toy for him, something to cook him food and bear his children. You faked a smile before dipping into the house while James drove off.

You shut the door and quickly walked upstairs, your cab would be here in an hour. Plenty of time to pack. You set Bucky in his playpen and he looked at you as you frantically moved around yours and James’ shared room trying to throw useful items into the suitcase you brought to the house the day you moved in.

“Da-da,” Bucky cooed from the pen as he picked up a block to start stacking.

“Da-da went to work, baby. Now you and mommy are going to go on a trip,” You turned to your son and smiled at him, “Are you excited?” You talked in your baby voice and your son smiled back at you. His 3 teeth on full display for you.

Your suitcase was filled with as many clothes as you saw fit. Everyone had specific items to bring, and your job was the clothes. Anne and Lucille would bring baby supplies, diapers, sippy cups, toys, etc; Vienna shared your job. The plan was to pack light, anything other than what you absolutely needed had to be left--including photos, and then drain your husband’s bank account for money. Finding out James’ banking information was the hardest thing for you to do, he kept it all locked in a safe in a room that was always locked. After snooping on him one night after he thought you were asleep, you were surprised to see the combination was the day of your marriage.

As you were leaving the bedroom, you saw Bucky’s baby book. It wasn’t big, and you could fit it in your purse. There were millions of photos on the walls, but none of them were personal to you. They were high tech and flashy photos James had spent too much money on. None of them looked natural. Then again, you had never felt natural with him. But that book held photos you had captured with an old polaroid you found in the basement. The film was just as old, but there was enough to last you years. You grabbed it and stuffed it into your purse as the Taxi started honking. You picked Bucky up from his playpen and left. You would just have to deal with Anne’s complaining when you got to Germany.

The taxi dropped you off at the airport 45 minutes before you were supposed to board. You rolled your suitcase over to the bank that was next door, and entered with Bucky on your hip. James listed you as an account holder in the case of an emergency. You were positive he hadn’t seen anything wrong with this, you’d still need to know his information, and he probably thought he had broken you beyond the point of willing yourself to run. Little did he know.

“Good morning, I’d like to withdraw some funds from my husband’s account,” You said to the older woman with a blonde bob and bright red lipstick. She smiled and set the glasses hanging around her neck on her nose before turning to the screen ahead of her.

“Alright, name please.” You told her and she typed a few times. “And his?” She looked at you, and you noticed a bit of lipstick in her teeth.

“James Buchanan Barnes.” The woman nodded and typed away.

“Da-da,” Bucky yelled and you looked down at him with a smile.

“That’s right, honey, that’s daddy’s name.” Bucky smiled up at you before grabbing at your hair to play with.

“Oh, he’s a cutie,” The older woman exclaimed, “Can he have a lollipop?” She reached into a brown bowel on the counter separating the two of you before pulling out a blue sucker.

“I don’t see why not. Thank you.” You took the blue lollipop before turning to Bucky who was eyeing the candy with intensity. “What do you say?”

“Tank to!” You unwrapped the lollipop before handing it to Bucky. He grabbed it with his chunky hand before greedily sucking on it, already getting a blue sticky streak on his mouth.

You turned your attention back to the blonde, and she asked you for your name and bank information. You gave it to her as she continued to type away at her computer. “Alright, can you tell me the amount you’d like to withdraw today?”

You cleared your throat before answering, “All of it.”

The woman’s eyes got big. “Ma’am, there’s 2 million dollars in here. Can you give a reason?”

“Yes ma’am.” You adjusted Bucky on your hip as you tried to remember your lie. “My husband, James, was recently in a horrible accident at his job. I understand the hospital can take the money from the account, but they’ve given me the option to give it to them in person as well. I was on my way to catch a flight to him, and decided this was a route I’d like to take. Our insurance wouldn’t inflate because they wouldn’t have to pay anything, too, and now that we have this little one,” You lifted your hip that carried Bucky a bit higher, “I want our insurance as good as possible. We never know, you know?”

The blonde looked as if she were about to cry. “Oh, you poor thing! Yes, of course I understand completely. I have 2 daughters, and when their father got sick our insurance and healthcare went completely down the drain. I wish I could’ve had the money you have, I know it can be terrifying to have bad policies when raising children. Especially young ones.” You were nodding your head, trying to look pitiful. You felt bad for lying, especially to this woman. She looked so bad for you and was able to relate to your fake story. Your stomach flipped, and you felt like you were going to be sick.

“Thank you, I’m sorry about your husband. It’s a horrible situation that some of us are put in.”

The woman agreed and typed on the computer again. A register was opened and she counted out taped together stacks of money. She put them in a cream colored bag along with a receipt and handed it to you.

“I hope everything goes okay for you and your little one. Us moms have to stay strong and do what’s best.”

You held back tears at the woman’s words. “That we do.”

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You made your way back to the airport as Bucky babbled a song from a show you both watch together. The bank teller, who’s name you learned to be Camille, informed you that your husband would be emailed by the bank about the deposit due to legal protocol. You knew James checks his email religiously and that he got notifications on his phone. You knew that he was probably on a phone call with the bank right now, screaming into the phone. But you didn’t care.

By the time he figured out you’d left, you’d be in Germany. Or close to it. You planned on destroying your trail once you got there. Anne had planned it all out. She deleted her history and told you to destroy all your letters by burning them. She led her husband to believe you all had traveled to Greece with undeleted searches. It would throw all of them off for a bit, but eventually you knew they’d figure out you went to Germany. You all knew that you couldn’t stay together after a while, it’d be too risky. You knew at some point one of you might get caught, and the rest would have to save themselves. You were fugitives, trapped in your own homes, with men that were supposed to provide security as the guards. But, until then, you’d stick together as long as possible. You were stronger as a team during the weaker parts of the beginning.

As you boarded the plane you felt a wave of nausea hit you. You rushed to the plane bathroom with Bucky still in your arms. You threw the door open, and emptied your stomach into the toilet bowl.

“Uh oh,” Bucky said, making you laugh at his purity.

“It’s okay, honey, mommy’s just a little nervous,” You reassured your son. You flushed and washed your hands before stepping out of the cramped room to find your seat. The plane took off soon after that.

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You were jerked awake as a flight attendant tapped your shoulder, her brown hair pulled tight into a low bun.

“Sorry to wake you, ma’am,” She had a smooth voice that you felt could put you right back to sleep, “But you’ve arrived at your destination.”

“Okay, thank you.” She smiled at you before standing up straight to move to the back of the plane to wake up other passengers. Bucky was asleep in your arms, and you planned to keep him that way. He had been good throughout the entire flight, but you weren’t surprised. He was such an easy baby, you couldn’t have been blessed with a better one. Especially not in your circumstances.

You got off the plane and went in search of your suitcase in the bag return. You quickly found it before you headed out of the crowded airport. Bucky was quick to wake up after hearing the commotion of the early Wednesday morning traffic. Taxi drivers were yelling in German and English to the people exiting the airport, offering them a ride for a “price they couldn’t get elsewhere.” You would’ve taken the offer, but knew that you had to wait for the bus. Anne had said it’d be easier to hide that way. The taxi driver would ask for a direct address while the bus would drop you off at another station. Miles from your true destination. Plus the bus driver was less likely to remember you.

Your stomach growled as Bucky bounced in your lap. You had eaten on the plane, but had vomited nearly everything up. Your stomach wasn’t agreeing with anything today, but you knew it was just the guilt and nerves you felt. Everything would go back to normal once you were with your sisters, and plus they would have something good for you to have at the house.

The bus smelled and was cramped with loud people on their way to work. They spoke words you couldn’t comprehend loudly in your ear, and Bucky sat amazed at them. When your stop came, you eagerly grabbed your suitcase, bag, and son and all but jumped off the bus, glad to be rid of it for now. You followed a path Anne described in great detail until you came to houses with numbers. You dragged your tired body along them until you found the number that had played in your head for the past few days. Number 39. Your new home

You climbed the three steps up to the brown, wooden door, and grasped the iron knuckle. You pulled it up and down several times emitting loud thuds to echo in the small community of homes. Bucky grasped the front of your chest and stuck his face into it to represent his hunger.

“I know, baby, mommy will feed you soon.”

Your heart beat loudly in your chest as you waited for an answer. You counted 23 seconds before you considered your possible mistake. Did you go down the wrong street? Was 39 the house number or was it the bus number you were supposed to take? Was there any way to contact your sisters? Could you somehow convince James that you had been kidnapped in hopes he’d believe you? Just then the door creaked open. Your worries came to a halt as you saw Vienna standing in the doorway. She had, of course, aged a bit since the last time you saw her. Her hair was shorter and a little bit dull in color and she was skinnier than the chubby teenager you were used to, but there was no denying that was her.

“Oh my God, Vienna?” Her droopy tired eyes held tears as she took you in. Her lip trembled and she whispered your name. She opened the door wider as she held out her arms to you. “It’s been so long!”

You held her tighter to you with the arm that didn’t hold Bucky. She pulled away from you as tears escaped from her eyes. Your own were starting to conjugate in yours. Vienna stepped aside so you could step into the small house. She took a peek outside before shutting and locking the door behind you.

“Where’s everyone else,” You asked, setting your bags down at last.

Vienna didn’t have to answer as you heard your name being called behind you. You turned and adjusted Bucky into your other arm as you see Lucille stepping out of a room. Her back is a bit hunched over and one of her eyes seemed to lazily shut now. Gray hair was sprinkled across her scalp, and wrinkles were setting under her eyes. She was only 36.

“Look at you, you’ve grown so much,” She exclaimed, stepping closer to you. You were only 1 when she was married off at 16. She was the youngest one wed, but she was also the prettiest. Your father had no problem finding a man to sell her to. She was the only one auctioned off before 18. Vienna left at 19 and Anne left at 22. None of you were as strong as Anne, she had held on the longest. You had left at 18, too.

You hugged her tightly. You never got to know her, but you still loved her deeply. You hated the cards you all had been dealt for keeping you apart for so long. You let go as Vienna stepped closer to you both. She rubber Bucky’s small back.

“And who is this little guy?” She smiled down at him as he gave a 3 tooth grin back.

You sniffed before handing Bucky to your sister. “This is Bucky. My one and only.” Vienna mimicked the name before bouncing him on her hip a bit.

“Well, Bucky, I think it’s time for you to meet your aunts and cousins.”

Lucille took your hand as Vienna carried Bucky into a room filled with kids and a crib with two babies sleeping. They all were watching a TV, but turned to you as you walked in.

“Kids, come meet your 4th aunt,” Vienna said as she cooed at Bucky. 3 girls and a boy walked over to you and Lucille. “That’s Jade,” Vienna pointed to the girl with dutch braids, “Josephine,” The one with big curls and floral dress, “June,” The one with a ponytail and a sports jersey, “and Jared,” The only boy. They all waved to you, all looking a bit uncomfortable. You didn’t blame them, they had traveled from God knows where to a weird house, and now they were meeting people they had never met before. Probably never even heard of. “And this is your other cousin, Bucky.” Josephine, she looked to be the oldest-- probably 13, smiled at the child.

“Oh, he’s so cute! Can I hold him?” She looked to her mom for confirmation before looking at you. Her big eyes soft, just like her mother’s.

“Yeah, of course. He’s hungry, do you want to feed him?” Her eyes lit up.

“Yes!” You chuckled at her enthusiasm, and she gave a shy smile once realizing how excited she sounded.

“He can eat crushed up fruit, do you guys have any?” Your eyes searched Vienna and Lucille.

“In the kitchen. I can go do it for you,” The girl replied, scooping up your son before moving through a door that led into, what you assumed to be, a kitchen.

“We left just in time,” Vienna said, “Her father had already found a man to marry her. She’s sweet, and I know she’d make a great mom one day, but she’s also so smart. She has a life to live before she should even think about a baby,” She sighed, “But of course, women in our situation don’t hold any other value.”

Vienna’s children had gone back to watching the TV, and Lucille called her children up.

“Boys, come here please.” 3 boys walked over to you. “This is my oldest, Tennessee,” The boy with dusty hair nodded to you, he looked about 16, “Then Anthony,” the one with curly hair and glasses, “And Kyle,” He had freckles and a dimple on his chin. Lucille pointed to the crib. “Over there are Michael and Ian, they’re 3 months old. Didn’t think I had it in me, but I guess it’s not over until the big change, huh?” You smiled at her as she squeezed your hand.

“It’s nice to meet everyone,” You say and they nod at you, taking their seat on the floor and couch yet again. There were still 3 kids that were taking steady glances at you, and you were about to ask about them when you heard your name yet again. You turn to the left to see Anne walking down the stairs.

“Anne!” You ran over to embrace your sister. You and her had by far had the strongest relationship, being closer in age and spending the most time together. You felt yourself crying once again. Anne broke the hug and held you at arms length, looking you over.

“Wow,” She breathed out as tears flowed freely. She looked exactly the same as she did 7 years prior. You giggled at her and she joined you. A little girl, no older than two, ran to hug her legs. “This little stinker,” Anne said lifting the girl up, “Is my youngest Brooke.” She kissed the girl’s cheek before waving the last 2 boys over. “That’s George,” The oldest one with shoulder length hair, “And Evan.” He looked exactly like your father. Had the same lifted left eyebrow and everything. Anne looked like the man she hated the most, and you knew she’d never be rid of the man who she blamed all her sorrows on. Especially not now that her son looked like him, but you knew she’d never neglect her child.

Josephine was walking out of the kitchen while wiping Bucky’s hands. You grabbed your sister’s hand and led her over to your son.

“And this is Bucky.”

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After the tear filled reunion, you found yourself at a small dinner table with your sisters. They were all huddled around it as your nieces and nephews sat in front of the tv and had dinner. They giggled at the silent screen that flashed cartoons at them. Bucky lay asleep in Anne’s arms as she bounced him.

“Alright,” Anne whispered loud enough for just you all to hear, “So, does everyone know the plan?” You all nodded. Anne had planned this all out. Every time something was needed outside of the house, somebody different each time would leave to retrieve it. It would go in rotation from oldest to youngest. You would carry a burner phone with you and would only use it if there was an emergency. The phone would have one number on it, the house phone, that another sister would be right by until the other one returned back safely.

After dinner, you helped Vienna clean up. You both had insisted Anne and Lucille get some rest, saying they had gotten there the earliest and were tired. Anne took Bucky to the room you, her, Bucky, Brooke, and June would sleep in. The house only had 3 bedrooms, and 5 people would have to bunk in the small bedrooms with only one king size bed together. It would be a squeeze, but it was all definitely better than the Hell you all had escaped.

While cleaning, you found yourself not being able to focus on the story Vienna was telling you. Your stomach was turning, fighting the peas and chicken you had just ate, and your head was suddenly hurting. You were sweating too. Were you having a panic attack?

“You okay, sis?” Before you could answer, you were vomiting up your dinner into the sink. Vienna soothingly rubbed your back as you finished off the remnants. You turned on the faucet to wash away the mush.

“I’m s-sorry. I guess I’m a little scared still?” Vienna looked at you and gave a knowing smile before resting her hand on your shoulder.

“How far along are you?”

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The day had been a shitty one. James was in the middle of an important business pitch with Sam Wilson, a promising company from Louisiana that he wanted to partner with, when his assistant rushed in. He tried to order her out, but when he heard “money” and “gone” he had to apologize and excuse himself. After seeing the bank’s email, and hearing the voicemail they left his assistant after she called them, he rescheduled his meeting with Sam, explaining vaguely what was happening.

James believed someone had stolen your information in order to rob him blind. He didn’t think you would do that, what reason would you have? Name anything on this Earth and James would have it in your hands the very next day. He was clutching the steering wheel with a vice-like grip that was turning his knuckles white. When James got home, he looked on terrified at how it was left. He called your name out while he ran around looking for you and Bucky. Once he found it empty, he started dialing 911. You both were missing.

James was tapping his foot waiting for the operator when he saw it. The picture album that you begged him for when you first found out you were pregnant. It was gone.

The metal hand clutching the phone crushed right as he heard the female voice on the other side greet James. You and Bucky weren’t kidnapped, you had run away.

James went downstairs to call his friends, Steve and Natasha. He was going to need their help tracking down his bratty wife. She was smart, he’d give her that, but she’d have to try a lot harder if she wanted to get away from an ex super soldier.

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@jtargaryen18 @coconutqueen21 @collette04 @stayhazey @nsfwsebbie @official-and-unstable-satan

#non con #dub con #dark!fic #dark!bucky barnes x reader #dark!bucky barnes #dark!mcu #dark!marvel

415 notes · View notes

szopenhauer · 4 years ago

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Do you have pockets in anything you are wearing currently? I don’t

Have you ever tasted your own tears? it’s hard not to when you cry so often

Do you hang your clothes outside or put it in the dryer? outside, not during wither tho

Do you like the letter q or the letter z better? Z

Do you do anything weird in your sleep? who knows

How many times can you jump in jumproping? I didn’t jump for a long time now so I dunno if I can jump as many times as I used to - doubt it

Do you like the beach? I like wet sand, beachcombing

Have you ever built a sandcastle? I suppose, I want to do that again sometime

Is there a mirror in the room that you are in? not a hanging one

What color is your comb? one is white and other two are red

When did you pull out your first tooth? I don’t remember

How old were you when you said your first word? same

Have you ever had a pet rabbit? hell no

Do you like the autumn? it’s fine unless weather gets really cold and snowy

Are you good at drawing? a bit

What is your Hogwarts house? Ravenclaw?

Have you ever seen the Percy Jackson movie/s? nope

Ever seen Glee? fragments

Do you like Demi Lovato? Name a song by her. not a fan

Tarzan or The Lion King? Tarzan, from Lion King I only liked Timon and Pumba and I didn’t cry when Mufasa died

Lilo & Stitch or Moana? Lilo and Stitch

Hercules or Pinocchio? Hercules

Rugrats or Powerpuff Girls? Powerpuff girls

Ever seen Pretty Little Liars? no

Baking or dancing? dancing

Sports or shopping? shopping

Blue or yellow? yellow

Green or pink? green

Did/do you go to a public school, a private school, or homeschool? public

Do you have a secret sideblog? not anymore

If you could teleport anywhere in the world right now, where would you go? if I could teleport once I would save that ability for special occassion like emergency but if I was able to teleport whenever then hmm...

Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced? nah

How would you spend a million dollars? buy an apartment, help my parents, live better *maybe even make a movie?

What’s your pet peeve? I have so many

Do you like paper books or ebooks better? paper

If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick? Moomin valley

If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like? big hahaha

If you could marry any celebrity, who would you pick? well I don’t know them personally so it’s hard to say - just choosing based on their look? hmm...

Who do you text the most? my gf

If you had to choose, which sibling would you live with? I only have a sister so... I would prefer not to live with her again, thx

When was your last date? last week

Are there any people at your job who absolutely hates you? if I had a job...

Do you prefer cool, warm or neutral colors? depends

Have you ever taken art classes? I have

Do you know how to work a cash register? I hope I didn’t forget much about it

Fact or fiction novels? fiction

Do you think you’re a clingy person? am I?

Do you enjoy kisses on the cheek? not really

How often would you say you disagree with your parents? often with my mom, rarely with my dad

Have you ever slept with your window open? nah

What color are your mother’s eyes? brown

Do you cry easily? very

Have you ever been into a court room? field trip in middle school

How many necklaces would you say you own? too many as for someone who never wear them.

What time do you plan on waking up tomorrow morning? wish I didn’t have to

Do you enjoy receiving souvenirs? buying them myself

Do a lot of people dislike you or is it the other way around? it’s both ways

What’s the worst part about school? bullying, grade stress, unhealthy eating, sitting all day long, walking there in the cold and snow during winter etc.

Would you ever consider going on a cruise? nah

Do you still act childish most of the time? often

Did you ever enjoy gym class? at times I enjoyed PE

What is your biggest insecurity? dunno which is biggest, I have plenty of them

Have you ever painted a room alone? not alone but helping

Speaking of which, when did you last paint your room? ages ago

Do you know how to garden? but don’t like to

Do you have any bad habits? shitload

How old were your parents when they had you? in their 30s

What is the most amusing thing on the internet, in your opinion? memes?

Do you try to spend a lot of time with family? compared to some people I spend lots of time with my parents

Do you need to clean your bedroom? yeah

What do you plan on doing with the rest of your life? we’ll see

Which decade were you born in? 90s

Are you good at giving advice to people? but not myself

Is there anyone out there who makes you feel completely useless? I am useless

Do you like texting or calling people more? text

Do you have a lot of friends? I don’t really have friends

Have you ever thought of someone as useless? myself for example

Can you count to ten in another language other than your own? english, polish, russian

Does photography interest you at all? kinda

Do you think you’re a good singer? am not

Do you think you have a good sense of style? I have my own style

Do you enjoy reading often? not often

Are you afraid of lifts? I prefer to take the stairs

How exactly are you feeling right now? Why do you feel the way you do? emotionally/mentally bad because of family and health issues mostly, physically my usual so not the best but can’t complain much

Has the last person you held hands with, ever told you that they love you? yes

Which do you think is the worst - saying something and then wishing you hadn’t, or not saying something and wishing you had? saying smth and wishing I hadn’t is worse to me

When was the last time you saw your grandparents? I saw my grandma almost 3 years ago

Have you ever felt really attracted to someone, but been deterred because you found out they didn’t have a very nice personality? omg more than once

Have you ever hugged/kissed someone you’d only just met? hugged, not kissed

Would you ever apologize for something that wasn’t your fault? I do that sometimes

Has anyone ever cried in your arms before? sure

Do you keep a lot of things from your parents? basically nothing

Using one word only, describe the day you’ve had so far. Sunday

Have you been annoyed at someone/something today? I still am Are you avoiding anybody at the moment? you could say that Is rap your favorite genre of music? it’s not Have you ever lasted a relationship longer then two months? yep Is it safe to walk around your neighborhood at night? not for me Are you a fan of heights? nah but I’m not super scared of heights Rate your typing speed on a scale from 1 - 10? almost 10

Do you text more then you talk on the phone? obvi Are you scared to grow old? to get more ill

Do you use a dishwasher or wash dishes by hand? by hand, I hate dishwashers

What is the best pharmacy near you? they’re not that good

Do you use public transportation? yup

How much does it cost for you to laundry (if you use a slot machine)? we have a washer at home

Do you make your bed every day? I’m lazy and it’s unhealthy to so I don’t

Do you save receipts? depends

Do you use re-usable bags at the grocery store? yep

Have you ever burnt yourself with the glue gun? slightly

Wall calendar or desk calendar? pocket :P

Does your home have a basement? it does

How often do you clean? clean what?

How often do you go grocery shopping? often

Ever bought a lottery ticket? few times

Do you gamble? online for free at times

Do you ever sleep on the floor? sleepover

Which room do you stay in the most? mine

Ever worked two jobs or more at once? noooo

Do you live in an apartment, condo, house, or dorm? house

How often do you go see a doctor? too often

Do you have acid reflux? chronic

Do you snore? no

Are you on birth control? I’m asexual and into women

Do you put on make-up in the bathroom or the bedroom? I did it wherever

What is the first site you go to when you turn on your computer? fb

Which email service do you use? wp

How often do you check your email? usually rarely

How old were you when you got your first phone? I was in middle school

Did you own a Britney Spears album? I don’t listen to Britney Spears

What sites are you on? plenty

Does the door to your room have a lock? I wish, it has a funny stuffed/plushie one What type of skin do you have? mixed Ever gotten beer poured all over yourself? luckily not, gross *from what I remember someone poured wine or beer on my shoes once in the store by breaking the bottle and didn’t pay for anything Who’s the last person you had a sleepover with? John Who’s the last person you wanted to kiss? my gf Can you keep a secret? not really When’s the last time you went on a walk? this evening

Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you? if they use me

Have you ever regretted what you said in drunken conversation once sober? never been in such situation

Is there anything coming up which you’re dreading? it’s complicated

Do you ever do tedious tasks just to keep your mind occupied? I have my usual things/distractions that I do everyday

Have you ever lived with somebody with truly repulsive habits? could say so?

Do you tend to say things because they’re appropriate not because you mean them? sometimes

What was the last thing to fascinate you? smth I saw on the internet?

What was the last thing to annoy you? someone close to me

When did your hard work last pay off? basically never

When did you last feel a need to be alone? almost always?

When did you last REALLY want to go out but couldn’t for whatever reason? covid and my other health problems but also money

Have you ever eaten chocolate for breakfast? nooo

Do you like balloons? I do (don’t worry tho I can do without them)

When will you next go to the beach? *shrug*

If you have pet fish do you bother to name them? if I had fish I probably would name them

Did you ever read the Terry Pratchet “Disk World” books? I hate Pratchett

Do you keep your eggs in the fridge? of course

Have you ever owned chickens? I wanted to

Do you like classical music? at times, some songs

When did you last listen to music? this day

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

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684

Have you ever lied to a person of authority? What did you say? I’ve lied to a teacher once or twice, but not anything more severe. Doesn’t matter if it’s a person of authority or not; I just hate lying. What’s your favourite type of pie, either sweet or savoury? I love chicken pot pie lol < Oh gosh yeah dude. Savory pies are the shit. I find that most sweet pies have fruit in them and given that I hate fruits, this is an easy choice for me. Do you have a Netflix subscription? Yeah, we have a family plan that my dad pays for. Have you ever parked in a disabled parking space even if you aren’t disabled? Nope. That sounds awful. How long does it usually take you to get ready in the morning? Depends on how late I’m running. If I started preparing early I can give myself up to an hour but if I’m late as it is, I can take 10 minutes to shower, get dressed, prepare my lunch, and get in the car.

What colour is your favourite shirt? My favorite top at the moment is a multi-colored striped spaghetti strap. If I remember, some of the stripes are white, maroon, olive green, dark blue, etc. When was the last time you saw a photo of yourself? Today. I took a dumb selfie for Angela. Does your laptop ever overheat? It doesn’t overheat but the fan tends to get louder when I do video calls on it, so I never do them on my laptop. Are you wearing a dress today? I am not. I’m up on the rooftop and it’s pretty cold tonight, so I have a large hoodie on, and also a hoodie wrapped around my legs so that I don’t get bitten by mosquitoes. Do you use your phone during class or at work? I use my phone in classes where the profs aren’t as strict. OMG I miss going to class :( How many times a day do you check Facebook? Countless. It’s where everyone hangs out to communicate, or do work, or share announcements, or post memes, so I’m almost always there. Do you hate it when people on airplanes recline the seat in front? No one’s ever done that to me before so I wouldn’t know if it would bother me. Are you the type of person to press a button just because? I would only get the urge if I knew it doesn’t work anymore or if it’s unplugged. I wouldn’t press a button that I know would do something. Would you ever volunteer in the case of a natural disaster? Yeah, but tbh I’m more likely to volunteer for orgs that help out stray animals affected by the disaster, like for PAWS. I know for sure I would have volunteered for them after the Taal eruption, but I couldn’t because our house itself was affected by the ashfall. Do you check your emails daily? NO. I’m definitely not checking them during the lockdown because I want my break to stay a break. Are you inside or outside at the moment? I’m technically ~inside the house but I’m in an outdoors part of it. Why did you last have to see a doctor? I needed to have my left eye checked because it’s been acting up for a while. Have you ever been pulled aside for a random bag search at an airport? Nope. Are you happy with how much you weigh? Sure. I’ve never really paid close attention to my weight and I’ve always been just passively content with it. What’s your favourite flavour of Jell-O? Ughhh I hate any kind of jelly, I find the texture disgusting. I dunno if we have Jell-O here but we have local brands of jelly that I’ve never thought of trying. Do you pick your nose? C’mon, be honest. Yep, but only if I’m by myself or with my girlfriend. What was the last thing you bought from a supermarket? It’s been months, but if I remember correctly it was ice cream that my mom had been craving, and she asked me to buy it because I went out that day. Do you know anyone who is highly allergic to anything? Yeah, Tina is allergic to seafood and Kate is allergic to seafood, chicken, and eggs. When was the last time you had a nap? Just this late afternoon. I fell asleep at 4:30 and woke up for dinner, so I’ll probs be up really late again tonight. Are you hot, cold, or just right at the moment? I was cold earlier but I put a hoodie on so now I’m feeling just right. Do you have a Spotify Premium membership? If not, do you want one? I technically don’t, but Gabie has one and she let me log into her account a long time ago. What’s your boss’ name? I don’t have one. Back in my internship days – again, because this is really my only ~job experience so far lol – the boss’ name was Dessa, but I was under a supervisor named Therese. Have you ever eaten caviar? Yup. Are you a nervous type of person? Yeah, I generally am. Do/did you collect anything currently or in the past? I used to collect receipts from my dates with Gab, but I’ve completely stopped doing that. I keep telling myself on these surveys that I’m gonna start collecting again and it just never happened, so now all there is to say is that I entirely stopped lol. Other than that, I don’t collect anything else. On average, how much money do you usually put into savings every week? Depends on how much is left over by Friday; I don’t have a set amount. The left over from my allowance can be anywhere from P100 to P1,000. Do you prefer sweet or savoury foods? Savoryyyyy. Do you have any games on your computer? Which ones? No, not on my computer. What are your three favourite fruits? I hate fruits. Have you ever received a speeding fine? Nope, I don’t even think that’s grounds for being fined here. I’ve seen people drive like maniacs on highways, and yet they’d get pulled over because they illegally changed lanes or did an illegal u-turn. When was the last time you shaved any part of your body? This evening. Have you ever had a cramp in an odd place? Mmm no, I’ve only gotten cramps where it’s common, like my legs and neck. Would you ever go overseas for cheap medical treatment? No. It doesn’t make sense to me – the airline ticket would bump up how much I would need to spend anyway. The only times I see the sense in traveling abroad for medical reasons would be if the treatment/surgery/medicine/facility is only available in a certain country, or if the best doctor in a certain field is in a different country. How many hours did you sleep last night? 8, I think. Are you good at writing stories? I’ve never been good at writing stories. I liked reading them as a kid, but I never succeeded in writing my own. What have you eaten today? I had eggplant stuffed with meat, fried egg, and fried rice for brunch and Mang Inasal takeout for dinner. Do you watch House of Cards? Nope. I want to try watching it but I feel like it’s too dialogue-y for me. Plus Kevin Spacey is there for like 5 out of 6 seasons I think, which would really ruin the viewing experience lmao. Did anything exciting or interesting happen to you today? Nah not really, much like the last three weeks of the lockdown. What’s your favourite type of fish to eat? Raw tuna. Who else is in the building you’re in right now? My family and dog.

#survey #surveys

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abyss-mal-blog1 · 6 years ago

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current mind-space//word vomit

it’s amazing how much can change in a few days, but it hasn’t been a week since my finals ended and i already felt so different. i have been doing f45 everyday this week (if not then some kind of workout, but i’ve really been into that recently). i am feeling so much better now without deadlines, sometimes i don’t know if i function better under pressure or not. i guess not, but then it’s amazing how much i can do and achieve under pressure. i need the right amount of pressure, and this semester it has been a little difficult for me to get around that.

last friday was kinda my last day of finals, i just had an essay to submit, and i am disappointed in myself and my work ethic because i submitted it at 9pm, went to my cousin’s (disappointing) party, and then professor emailed me to say that she cannot read Pages format (seriously smh @ my tardiness!!!), only got back at 1am that night and sent my mediocre essay. i am a little sad about it because i know that is not my 100%. idk why but college so far has just been a series of 80% effort. this paper was an interesting one, on airbnb, on the sharing economy, it’s a performance studies paper where i analyze the hospitality platform in terms of host-user relationship, parasitism and (attempted) to talk about free online labor. it is a little too late now but i kinda want to work on it again and like, submit for feedback. maybe ill ask taylor.

last saturday was kinda meh, i agreed to go to a *social* kinda event at a bar/club at chelsea, held for Asian-ivy-alumni-people that yanlin invited me too. it was at up&up and honestly a little...i didn’t enjoy it at all. the music sucked, the people were either too dorky or gross or old or weird, and the whole time i just kept saying to myself, “never again”. they said it was open bar but they only served absolut, which was shit. and then my friend’s two friends were...i feel sorry that this was their first clubbing experience. at the beginning my reaction was look at all these ivy alumni! get hitched with one of them for ~da connectsx~ (and nothing else) but no kidding i was actually interested in talking to them just to get to know what people who graduated from ivies are up to, and what are they doing at such events...and are they actually enjoying themselves because it was really kinda gross. met my friend’s friend who seemed like a really smart engineer (he asked for my number the next day lol), and a german dude at the bar who didn’t want to get me a drink. all i needed that night was a drink.....(i’m glad i didn’t drink tho because recently drinking has made me feel all kinds of bad) we had ramen after at ramen-ya (most probably the worst ramen and charsiew i’ve had but what can we do at 3am and my friend wanted noodle and soup...)

on sunday i KNow i should have left my house earlier to workout but i didn’t. i was angry at myself that i didn’t. instead, i stayed at home and emotion-ate. i must have eaten more green bean soup than my stomach would have liked. what else...avocado? i remember..two bananas? god. this was the day i felt like i was n’s boyfriend because i had to do what she wanted to do. i know i had agreed on going, but at that point i really wanted to go thrifting or something. i mean when i got to central park it was fine and things were good but the whole day just felt like i was kinda pulled into doing something that wasn’t my first choice of plans, not that i didn’t enjoy myself lying under the sun at the park. it just felt like i was accompanying someone. i was half an hour late to meet her as well, and half heartedly got a burrito-wrap at newsbar. if you think about it it is really kinda funny, we’re just buying food and taking the subway to this grass patch 50 blocks away. we didn’t walk much, we literally only stayed at a little grassy slope overlooking the baseball pitch. anyway we went to a dance class after (the class was an hour long but i felt like n had asked me about when and what time we should book the classes for more than an hour by text so i just got really sick of it) i rushed home and got dinner with my uncle who’s in town for my cousin’s graduation. i was surprised that he chose the same japanese restaurant again, after dissing it half a year ago we ate here. the omakase was crazy and it cost 230 per person. (for the most expensive set) it was also kinda dumb because you aren’t allowed to order a different omakase set from anyone else - everyone on the table has to order the same - because of “timing”. i wonder if this is how it is in japanese omakase etiquette, but in any case it really earned them a hefty amount because my uncle decided to get 230 for all of us. qiyang didn’t like and said qiqi had bad taste, hahaha. the food wasn’t bad, i mean it’s japanese fusion, but the prices were way too steep for the taste. anyway enough about the food, during the dinner i think we talked about many things though. i kinda wanted to talk to my uncle individually because i think he is the only one who knows about ah gong, but he was sick, and i could tell he was exhausted. my aunt got a little impatient because i didn’t arrange plans to take their furniture and they were going to throw all of them away and it was actually the first time i’ve seen her get so worked up - but at the same time trying to control her emotions - because she was talking to me. i could tell she was annoyed though but i tried not to take it personally, and arranged it tomorrow.

arranging the moving stuff was kinda last minute, i was walking to the library for work one day and i saw a truck that said MakeSpace. i assumed it was a kind of moving company and so i looked them up. they seemed to be pretty okay in terms of their services and so i decided to try them out. confirmation and setting up an appointment went pretty smoothly, except for the part where the guy i think his name was joseph, asked me to give my credit card details over the phone. idk why i did that! i stopped though, and asked him why, to which he replied he wanted to key in with the coupon code. this service has so much gimmicks within the first 2-3 minutes on the phone he was already telling me about how the first pick up is free, and that he will deduct 100$ off the first month...when people give you discounts too easily it just feels like a ploy and a thing they give to everyone, it’s not anything special and it’s probably calculated inside whatever we have to pay. anyway, i was just thinking it would be cheaper (assuming the maximum that i would have to pay is ~$500, as i confirmed with them on the phone yesterday), it’d still be cheaper than starting an apartment lease now and going through the trouble of finding two subletters.

well. idk, it’s also easy to have things all moved in, i have to find a place to store my perishables!

moving is so much work, and storing things. this reminds me of my paper on airbnb and about the digital nomad lifestyle. it is interesting though, that this is what it has become. but the homogenized aesthetic is something i really cannot stand, in airbnb, in coffeeshops around the world..i am sure you know what i’m talking about. a new york times writer did something about this - he termed it “Airspace” - and apparently it originated from Brooklyn. I guess that’s where the art/avant-garde stuff started. well. keep a look out im gonna write a blogpost about that

moving on

nat came to sleepover on sunday night and a few days after because the school kicks you out of the dorms you pay so much for right after your final ends. i forgot if we did something fun but i probably just fell asleep.

on monday i think i went to f45 and did cardio at Dumbo with Gi. he seems like a pretty nice trainer, the first time i went it was him and another girl Bertha (i think my first f45 was last tuesday) and i felt like i had two personal trainers with me - Gi was cheering me on and Bertha was doing it with me. it felt like such a good workout, one of the best ive had in a while. then work, where i arranged the movers stuff. i also realized i bought the wrong date for my flight ticket as my friends and had to buy one more...............

tuesday was the same f45 in the morning, and the bobst after. didn’t really get much work done at bobst. oh i also viewed a 3BR flex at 160. hella expensive and small, and dates didn’t work out anyway. also the broker who brought us to view the apartment was a very nice tall french man and his name was jean-francois which i couldn’t pronounce and asked nat but still called him jean as in jeen instead of john. this is why i have to learn french. you’re embarrassing. i also went to the itp/ima spring show with shubham which was super cool. there were many cool ideas, and i just wonder if i could create something like that. i didn’t get to see all of the exhibits which i regret, but i remember a few notable projects. one was an installation made with keyboards that randomly clicks, but when you hold your phone up it’ll stop. it’s made using 3d gestures. there’s also one at a gallery for surveillance, this team had a thing they call facebox, and it’s literally a box, that when you open it has a webcam that would capture your face, find you on facebook, and print out an invoice/receipt on how much you have earned for this giant tech company. what else...an AR project that when you scan a food, it shows you where the food comes from. nat said that she would love it if menus have something they could scan and then have pictures appear in ~holographic~ format, or maybe in the nearer future something on your phone that shows you a picture of the picture of the food. but isn’t it a surprise tho? sometimes the fun’s in the surprise, you read the description, you know what are the foods you’ll eat, leaving room to imagine or be surprised by how the chef puts it together! anyway, went for dinner with nat and jenny - got vegan shwarma (definitely wasn’t worth $14) and went to get crepes with will after.

wednesday we were gonna go to the dmv but we weren’t prepared. nat also needed to get her passport and she was lazy. wow the number of times i mentioned her, it feels like she’s my boyfriend at this point. talked to famz, sister, and beatrix. am currently considering if i should even go to beijing or just go straight home. fuck. went to bobst for work but no one was there i was just really sleepy. viewed an apartment at 55 morton (it’s a nice quiet residential street that seems to be tucked away from the loud cars and bars and people) then i went to f45 again-varsity!!! cardio!!!, walked across brooklyn bridge (a little regret although i wanted to walk, but my bag was heavy and there were too many tourists to brisk walk)

also the reason for this is that after my soba/miso/salad/shrimp dinner last night i was just watching a bunch of netflix shows and it was probably the caffeine from puerto rican roasting company - the barista made me a chai cappuccino with almond milk (3 SHOTS!!!)

me and nat couldn’t sleep, i really think i slept for an hour. i watched so many different shows, yoko and john’s documentary, while we were young, anthony bourdain, i was seriously flipping through all the shows and alternating between amazonprme and youtube and netflix and i even tried watching peaceful cuisine and making the brightness lower and had the sleep mode on and wow i just couldn’t sleep

so yeah the birth of this word vomit

i am going to create more things

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duckbeater · 6 years ago

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Duck Beater at Ten; or, The Orphans

[Editor’s Note: I started this blog a decade ago—occasion enough, I thought, for me to reflect on what it’s meant to contribute (in my extraordinarily untimely and narrow way) to a log that has tried (and more often failed) at recording where I’m at and how I’m doing and what I’m thinking and where I’m going. Having this space has not unreasonably kept me in it—I mean, its persistence has kept me reflecting more or less on the period of its inception. I think a lot about who I was at 23, which is idiotic and costly. I read more books back then. I had no money. My best friend was my brother. I thought I would write a novel.]

Years ago, my brother’s friend offended him when she asked me why I didn’t prefer one brand of paint over another. I was probably in my apartment's kitchen, working on a canvas, and they were probably behind me, eating my boyfriend's food.

I painted then because I was very poor. One way of thinking through your poverty—if you haven't drugs or sex or a brain injury—is to create pointless tasks for yourself, which is what art-making very often is. It's like Vicodin. It's very lovely, costly, addicting, transporting and makes your stomach hurt if you're not full-up already on something else (say, mashed potatoes). I was painting a truly hideous “family portrait”—globs of white and green paint shaped like cast-off “Sesame Street” creatures—and I was painting, besides, for myself. To hold the brush and to fold the colors and to smell the Turpenoid. A.J. had the money for food (our dying grandfather had cosigned on a student loan) and yet there he was with Victoria, in my apartment, peeling back the silvery foil of a Pop-Tart, making crinkling sounds.

I shouldn't say “my apartment” because it was really Cole’s: I had decamped there when we fell hard in love. This was on the corner of Union and Greenwich, across from an intramural field, and beyond that the law school. It was low-income housing: most has been destroyed; and now that I'm on Google I find the places I walked by, the porch I painted bright blue, the rooms I cherished (orange, annoyingly), they've all disappeared. There's odd grassy lots where there were once old, three-apartment houses, their interiors mangled to accommodate the crying fits of off-campus seniors. In the decade since their vanishment, even the indentations of walkways, of their foundations are invisible, and the lawns are as serene and flat and verdant as well-maintained graves. I recall coming off work one night that October, and finding Cole in the stairwell to the second-floor flat. He was crumpled in a ball, on the phone, arguing with his father: I should visit for Thanksgiving; I should be considered family. He was so angry he was bawling, and he hated me to touch him, and I left him in a daze which is also how I finally left him—in a daze, hating me to touch him. (But on better terms with his father.) Well, that stairwell is gone.

A.J. and Victoria, and in fact many of A.J.’s other law school friends, they regularly came into this apartment. (I have written about them before and realized only in editing this piece that the following brief description is a paraphrase of that missive.) They played Mario Kart on the GameCube, recited Moot Court speeches and ate take-out on the sofas. They gossiped incessantly because a small law school is a high school (it even had lockers), and the attendees are as reckless and dispirited and status-hungry as freshmen in a high school. He was a first year then and I was a fifth year finishing my undergrad, and so I saw all of A.J.'s new friends more than I ever saw my old ones because my old friends had moved on. (They went to Austin, Texas. They stayed at most three years and then relocated to either Los Angeles or the Pacific Northwest.)

I want to try to remember Victoria without resorting to her Instagram account. Back then, she took great pains to distinguish herself as a sophisticated New Englander. I see: high socks, long “piecey” hair, a face white-powdered to pore-less perfection. Perhaps because she was changing her life at twenty-eight and not at twenty-three, as other law students were, her look inclined toward the transformative, toward the gothic and the chic-severe. (Why am I describing her as a later-day Wednesday Addams? She was not a Wednesday Addams. She wore colors. She drank Pimm’s with grape fruit slices and soda water. We took day trips to places like Gary, Indiana, listening to Sam Amidon on the Camry’s stereo.) What I think is, she was alarmed and depressed to be at a “fourth-tier law school in the middle of an ugly corner in uglier Indiana,” and so rebelled against the smallness of her new life by having outsized opinions on luxury goods and fine foods and exotic locales. The worst was that no one knew what she was talking about. She felt this and compensated by hosting foreign film nights. She preferred “the scene,” knew of a scene (there was a music one close by, apparently, in Chicago), and she called herself, sometimes guffawing, a “scenester,” but also wanted us to know she was down with whatever. Just, whatever. She nettled everyone but mostly everyone pitied her, so on balance, her gloom and her snobbery were tolerated.

Victoria made mysterious, indelible gestures. Their performances were somehow less memorable than their obscure resonances, and those resonances affected us obscurely, too. An example. She once loaned A.J. a copy of A Wild Sheep Chase, wanting to hook him on Murakami. When he gave it back unread at the end of term, she insisted it was a replacement copy, that he had lost her original. “If I lost your book,” he told her flatly (and not at all to his credit), “I would not have bothered replacing it.” She said, “No, no—you would. And this is proof.” She told exasperated classmates that A.J. had lost her beloved Murakami paperback and tried to replace it with an exact copy, a conviction seemingly borrowed from the phantasmagorical worlds of Murakami. She used this as a wedge issue about trust, about fidelity. “You’re a coward who couldn’t tell me the truth,” she said, slipping comfortably into a Whit Stillman role. “You’re a deceiver.” To this day, A.J. accepts loaned books graciously while maintaining (not, I think, aloud), “If I lose this, I won’t replace it.” He has never replaced a book I loaned and then he re-loaned again, and there have been more than a dozen. Victoria gave him that.

Another example. When A.J. proposed to his wife, Victoria emailed soon after, advising against the marriage. Incredibly, she sent an email to A.J.’s fiancée too, her reasons for either party diametrically proposed. She was not certain A.J. harbored a strong enough attachment to commit to what she thought would be a lifelong and life-destroying folly. And to Tayler, she said that the two did not know each other enough; that, although they met and dated in high school, and all through college, had not found themselves as adults and might try living longer, in other relationships, before settling down. The emails were cruel, stupid, and strange. Their audience did the generous thing: blamed them on the performer's romantic illusions and then dismissed them as curiosities. Yet sometimes A.J. wishes he had kept his “receipts”—that he’d printed out Victoria’s appeals to him and Tayler, to have at hand such shining examples of sincerity. I’ve heard him rueful about it. “I’m not trying to be an asshole,” he’s said, “but I wish I had these things to point to and say, ‘Here is someone who believes she is doing the right thing.’” But all those emails are gone. The law school closed last year—rather spectacularly, given the coverage in the Times. He doesn’t even have an alumni vanity mailing address.

Victoria adopted this business about oil paints from someone else, her “friend who shows in Chelsea,” a factor that compounded A.J.'s ire. “He uses exclusively, I think, Windsor and Newton,” she said. “Mixing from other labels creates inconsistencies, sometimes chemical clashes?” She opened the fridge and A.J., after scrubbing it with a towel, sat atop the counter. Bluish light came in through bay windows. The law students appeared not only chronically under-slept (they were) but also ethereal, and perhaps very ill. Victoria helped herself to milk. The cords in A.J.'s neck strained as he gazed at the ceiling, lips pursed, white-knuckling the countertop. Some of this was histrionics and some of this was my brother holding onto his sanity.

I said I didn’t I have a preference—or rather, I just didn’t think about it. I had inherited some desiccated oils from my grandma, raided other buttery leftovers from the art building, had bought cheap, thin student sets in the last full years of school—and I got by on what I had. I got by beautifully, actually, elbow-deep in half-tubes and tubes splayed open at the ends, and tubes coaxed open with needle-nose pliers. The mineral reek and vegetal reek from these paints necessitated full days of airing out the apartment. The solvents and extenders smelled of clove cigarettes smoked indoors. I left canvases to dry outside, where they collected tree fluff and tiny, delicate dead bugs. My images were neither hurt nor helped by these environmental additions. I said I was paying down student loan debt, and would practice brand loyalty when I was solvent again. Victoria said, “Oh, but you really should.” I thought to myself, perhaps for the first time, Why did my brother befriend this orphan?

“I really should,” I say to myself, most days on my drive. Wasn't there a performance art piece—a woman, saying 1,000 things she should do, into a tape-recorder? “I really should recycle. I really should call my mother. I really should pay my parking tickets.” I really should honor ritual and superstition, and my gut instincts. I really should read what I buy or at least attend more assiduously to reviews, so as to refrain from buying disappointments. I really should do my part to cut back on carbon emissions, clean the seas, and vote. Everything is in reach. The way Victoria said it—breezy, condescending, hopeful—is the way I hear most advice, particularly the advice I give myself: spoken in the tones of unconvincing conviction. I drank much less then (somehow), still I had a bottle of Bombay Sapphire at hand (somehow), and peered at Victoria and A.J. through its blue glass, tripling their blue-hued bodies.

Much later I wrote a play where a character unhappy in love does the same thing. In the stage directions, the young man “goes to the wine cooler, pulls out a beautiful champagne magnum, studies it, puts it back and takes out another. Every bottle dazzles his countenance with jewel-like light—emerald and sapphire; amethyst and ruby; garnet and topaz lights, they sparkle across his bare chest and face as he inspects the bottles. He decides on a blue bottle of Prosecco, lavishly foiled, and brings it to his eyes like binoculars and for a moment considers his open hand, his surroundings, even his audience through the dark blue glass, and the stage glows beautifully blue, too. With great delicacy he unwraps and unwires the Prosecco, and uncorks it in a kitchen towel, and pours himself a glass. He drinks alone, picking at his phone, while the stage goes dark.” It was well past midnight in the second act. The kitchen was empty.

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bts-love-sweat-tears · 6 years ago

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Julie’s Love Yourself Concert Diary

Concert Date: September 29, 2018

Written: September 30, 2018

Warnings: I curse more than I should?

Words: 3,330ish-added a few things at the last minute (phew!)

A/N:

[Update: Tumblr couldn’t upload all my photos that I spent awhile choosing and placing, so I’m going to have to pare it down. Sorry bbs! I opted to cut my personal & merch photos in favor of the boys]

So I have one thousand and one things I should be working on-for school, for work, for my eventual job hunt. But instead I am going to write about last night’s experience while it was still fresh in my mind. I was thinking of doing a song-by-song play-by-play, but you can look up the setlist on Wikipedia, so instead I am going to talk about the things that jumped out at me. WARNING: This is essentially one giant spoiler, so I will try to put a “Read More” cut, though it’s been being weird for me lately. So scroll carefully if you’re going to a later date and don’t want to know. All photos taken on my (now ancient) iPhone 6, so I tried to choose the best ones). Will edit as I see typos I made.

I’m a little nervous since I usually write fiction instead of sharing my personal experience. Anyway, full disclosure that this is just my perspective, and I’m (always) happy to discuss things (civilly) if you disagree with me. <3 Photos and opinions are mine.- please don’t re-post anywhere else.

The Background/ Pulling a Namjoon and Leaving my Ticket at Home

Even though I was going to the Saturday show, I flew into LaGuardia using frequent flyer miles on Friday morning. I was staying with a friend in Queens, so I went straight to her apartment. I’m a grad student as most of you probably know at this point, so I spent most of Friday working on a paper that was due. I had two friends I met at last year’s concert going to the Friday concert, and they went for merch promptly at 9, but I had just arrived and had a deadline to meet for school. Around 4:30PM, I decided that I was done for the day and opened Ticketmaster to print my ticket for the next day’s show. When I logged in, I saw the notice that the ticket had been mailed to me. I remembered having seen that when I bought the ticket in May, but in my defense I was jet-lagged and ill on that day. Furthermore, I moved to and from NYC in that time for a summer internship, and SO MUCH HAD HAPPENED. The tickets had been mailed while I was living here and I had never seen them, so somehow it slipped my mind. Obviously I lived too far away, but I didn’t know if I could express overnight them, but I think when I called Ticketmaster, the old ones were deactivated when the guy tried to send me the link.

Anyway, print at home was not an option, so I called Ticketmaster and in a panic explained my situation. They said it happened all the time and offered to send me a link. Luckily I kept the rep on the line, because it turned out that even they couldn’t email a link because of the anti-scalpers/fraud/whatever.

Then the rep said that I could show the credit card, but I had literally cut it up the week prior since the Vendor (e.g. the store that the card was through) had switched their card to a different bank (e.g. Visa to Mastercard), so I seemed shady af, even though I was telling the truth. He said as long as I had a login to a statement showing the transaction (I didn’t, since they had opted to close the account at an institutional level). So I called my mom frantically, and luckily she is the hyper-organized type who keeps paper copies of everything and sent them to me. Seriously, Mom for the win! I run to this print shop as it’s closing and print everything out. I had the Ticketmaster receipt & order #, and two photo ID’s confirming my address. The guy said it should be fine, but I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. This was my one birthday gift and something I had been looking forward to for months. Anyway, my friend and I went out to a local bar near the Halsey (yes, the singer took her name from the station) stop on the L line, and I was super anti-social because I was so upset. I also burst a blood vessel in my eye (it will heal, no worries) because of too much birthday partying the prior weekend, so I’m sure I was a (sour) sight to behold.

I slept poorly for obvious reasons, and left the apartment around 7AM, and arrived to Prudential center around 8:30ish. There were only a few people outside of will call, but the GA line was already wrapped around the building. I made small talk with people outside of the box office, and one woman told me she had gotten soundcheck both days. Seriously, what kind of karma do I need for that to happen to me? She and her friends had been camping out since Thursday, and they were SUPER organized: while she waited in line, one was at merch, and someone else was holding their GA site. I almost wondered if they were a fansite or something. ARMY are a truly organized bunch (except for me, clearly).

Anyway, after another half hour of pure anxiety, they opened up will call and I was panicking, but they were really helpful and gave me my ticket after I verified the order number, showed my id and confirmed some other personal data. I decided then and there that nothing else mattered and I was just happy to be there and be in.

Waiting in line/Logistics/Staff

I left the box office, and got into the GA line. It was probably around 9:15, and the line had already doubled-back on itself all the way around the building. The woman from earlier told me that her friend had got #1000 and was only 3 rows back, so I still had some hope. Basically, you line up to get your spot in line- though it’s kinda dumb that you have to line up twice, it makes security go faster and guarantees that there isn’t a huge surge/stronger people cutting in line later.

I wore what I thought were my most comfortable shoes, but after standing on concrete for hours, I don’t think it makes a difference. People were so friendly though- I never once felt awkward even though I was by myself. The same was true last year- the friends who had gone up for merch on Friday I met while in line at last years’ Wings concert. I chatted with people around me, drank the two bottles of water I had, and looked at my phone. Bring an umbrella for shade and sunscreen though-I didn’t and am rocking a nice farmers burn/tan today. It wasn’t humid though, and it wasn’t raining, so it could have been so much worse.

Even though there were tons of people, everyone was well-behaved. I didn’t see any altercations, though as the day went on the staff seemed a bit overwhelmed with crowd control. I didn’t see too many people selling unofficial merch like last year, though I did buy a few necklaces (Joon and Chim, ofc).

After 3.5 hours, I finally got my wristband. They told us to be back by 2pm to line up for real, as they were going to try to open the doors at 3 instead of 3:30 (didn’t end up happening).

Merch

I then ran to merch, but there wasn’t much left. The fans/pickets were selling out as I got in line, and people were basically yelling “NOOOOOOOO” everytime the staff put up a “SOLD OUT” sticker. I bought what I could that was left, including a bracelet, which I’m actually in love with, the eco-tote (super overpriced tbh, $50 for a canvas bag), but the shopper bags were gone and I needed something to carry the box and batteries V3 ARMY Bomb I bought. I had one from last year that I also forgot, but I think the new version was cool because they are synced up with the music so you can change colors and patterns along with everyone else. Overall, it’s EXPEN$$$$IVE, but if anyone’s worth it, it’s Bangtan.

Newark

I was getting super tired after this, so I kinda passed on the photo studio table, big poster, and UNICEF stuff. I tried to go to Starbucks, but even though it was the middle of the day, I didn’t feel that safe, even though it was like 11:45 in the middle of the day. I’m a 27 year old who’s lived in Latin America (which is generally stereotyped for violence), solo traveled around the world, and I’m from the Rust Belt (aka home of true urban decay), but that part of Newark sketched me the heck out. Probably it would have been fine, but I opted for caution, and went to a Dunkin Donuts and empanada place right around the corner. The timing was actually good since we had to get back pretty quickly to line back up.

The second line was where the staff struggled, telling people to back up and get in order, but it seemed like staff were doing different things. Plus, if they wanted people to back up, they should have created room at the back first, before telling the front to basically “back that ass up” on the people behind them.

GA vs. Seated

I can say this- if you are short, you probably want a seat. Or if you have any kind of knee, back, or joint problems- I stood for approximately 14 straight hours on concrete yesterday. I am just under 5”5” but I was probably one of the taller people in the crowd, so I had a pretty good view. Even though they asked people to not take videos or record, you WILL be looking through a sea of cell phones. I could see pretty well, but sometimes when they were on the main stage I had a hard time seeing around other people’s arms.

Last time I had P2 seated, and the view was wonderful. I went to the bathroom, charged my phone, and ate nachos (lol), so it was generally a more chill experience. I was still super close but up a little higher and could see absolutely everything. But last night I was SO close I could see Joon’s dimples irl, and got splashed by both Jungkook and J-Hope when they threw the water bottles. Probably 100 people think this, but I’m also pretty sure Yoongi (and maybeeee Jimin) saw me jumping and singing along like crazy since I was one of the taller people. At the very least, Yoongi keep looking in the general direction I was in. Ofc I looked gross af with my messed up eye and crazy hair, but what I loved about the concert is that I was 100% able to forget all the insecurities I carry around with me on a day to day basis and have an AMAZING time.

Of course the whole place is crazy high energy, but I feel like last night was INSANELY high. I’m not sure if it was the overall vibe or if that was the GA influencing my opinion. It just depends on what kind of experience you want to have. Also, if you are claustrophobic, you should probably pass on GA. The guards kept forcing people to back up, at one point even coming in with a flashlight, and people would surge forward whenever a member came close. But someone said the night before was chill, so maybe it’s just luck of the draw.

The Show

The show was absolutely amazing. They opened with IDOL, which got people hyped from the get-go. Their dancing was ON POINT as always. People were chanting during the intro videos and chatting as it filled in, so it was a great vibe once again- just super happy feeling. The audio visual part was AMAZING, though I’m no pro, and I loved all of the concert outfits, especially Jimin’s super sparkly sweater. Lots of jumping, and lots of screams. I didn’t have earplugs and was fine, but if you’re sensitive to loud sounds I definitely recommend them. ISTG I remembered hearing a mashup of FIRE, but maybe not? Wikipedia seems to think not. But they played a few older ones too, which made me so soft and nostalgic.

More on the members during the concert

Kim Namjoon

Ok, this is so so so biased, let me start with that. If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you know how much I love this man. Seeing him smiling and happy was amazing. And they had a professional translator for this concert, so I felt like Joon was able to relax a little and enjoy himself instead of worrying about translating for everyone else. He is just as tall and proportional as everyone says he is. Everyone talks about how soft he is these days (and I love it), but he has undeniable charisma when he raps. Plus him in sunglasses, ddaeng. Seeing him so close was akin to something spiritual for me (I SAW THE DIMPLES WITH MY OWN EYES), as were people shouting along with him to “Love.” At the end, he commented how we were all sharing the same air, and hearing him think the way (I know at least some of ) us think was so heartwarming.

Also during some of the videos, there were some NOT AT ALL subtle Minjoon moments.

Kim Seokjin

The crowd last night ADORED Jin and gave him all the attention he deserves to have all the time. People were chanting his name SO LOUDLY during instrumental breaks in Epiphany. His voice was phenomenal, particularly the high notes. it’s clear how hard he’s worked to make it sound so effortless. I noticed that people weren’t moving as much during some of his notes and I can only think it’s because we were literally transfixed. It’s well established, but I don’t think this man has any bad angles. Even in the still pictures I took while dancing, he DOESN’T look awkward in any of them. #impossible.

Min Yoongi

Suga was clearly happy about something last night- he was SO cute and happy. Other ARMY on the train back to the city agreed with me. His rapping was fire (duh), but he was really smiley and took out his earpiece a number of times to hear us screaming. “Seesaw” starts with him laying on a couch and I can think of no better way to capture his true soul (lol). He was extra attentive to fans, and I feel like what Tae mentioned in Burn the Stage, he was trying to memorize ARMY’s faces and live in the moment. I felt bad because there were clearly parts where he wanted us to sing along, but we couldn’t necessarily keep up with his tongue technology :P But people definitely tried their best.

Jung Hoseok

Idk what I can say here that’s new. J-Hope is one of the most charismatic members on the stage. And there’s something in the American air that turns him into Jay Hope. Seriously, he’s hard to move your eyes away from. “Just Dance” was the first solo track if I remember correctly and he did not disappoint. His glasses at the end were adorable, and one of the other members called him a “happy grandfather” or something like that. Seriously, if you’re still sleeping on Hobi, we can’t be friends.

Park Jimin

Jimin was ethereal as always, and the choreography for Serendipity was…..salacious, to say the least. Like if you thought the “Take Me Down” cover from last year’s Festa was too much, then idk what to tell you. Bring holy water or something. Despite the free water that fans were providing to others (ARMY are seriously the best) there was a different kind of thirst occurring, if you smell what I’m stepping in. Jimin is pure charisma, like J-Hope. Obviously their styles are totally different, but when they move, you stop whatever you’re doing and watch. Again, I didn’t even see many ARMY bombs moving during Serendipity- I think we were too entranced. I personally thought that he killed his vocals and did great, but he seemed a little tired or like he was working hard at it. Jimin was also the one (at least that I saw from my angle) that got the closest to the fans, crouching down and leaning over the teleprompters/fans/lights/ whatever the black boxes were at the edge of the stage.

Similar to Tae and Yoongi, I saw him looking at fans A LOT during the show. He was exactly how he seems in V Lives and cameras, and I’m fairly certain I would spontaneously combust if I ever ran into him irl (even if I didn’t know who he was)- he just radiates warmth and friendliness. Seriously, if I believed in magic, I feel like he would be able to influence people’s emotions.

Kim Taehyung

So many fic writers have this ultra primal (for lack of a better word?) for Tae, but all I see is a cute sweetheart. Obviously I’ve never seen someone create as much tension with their own arm as he does during Singularity, but when he’s not dancing, I just got a super innocent, cutesy vibe from him. His voice was so smooth last night. I mean, I knew, but now I KNOW. He actually was shooting hearts at one fan (how lucky they are), and pretended to fall down when they shot him back! They were further back in P2 as well so he really does work hard at paying attention to everyone. He actually called over another member (maybe Yoongi or Jimin? I was too busy trying to remember how to breathe, to see whatever he was seeing).

At the end he whipped a heart out of his beanie (how I pray to god someone got that moment on camera) a la Jin. He just seemed really comfortable in his own skin last night, and I was so grateful for it.

Jeon Jungkook

I had a hard time seeing most of his Euphoria performance as it was relatively early on and people were taking a shit ton of videos. He also stayed mostly on the main stage, rather than come out to the extension area near where I was. His abs are just as great in person, and the screams were (as is to be expected), absolutely deafening. They’ve talked about it in shows, but his voice is SO stable. Obviously they stopped at times and don’t use too much backing vocals, but it sounded EXACTLY how it does on the album. He threw something into the crowd (I think a banner) at the end, and it FLEW so far-back to P2 or further. They’re not kidding when they talk about how strong he is.

Final thoughts

At first, I was a little exhausted after my emotional trauma of the prior day, and from standing for so long but the minute it started I forgot everything else. I was salty when I couldn’t see that much bc of people recording (esp when they asked us not to), but I understand the specialness of the moment and wanting to have some tangible evidence that you were there. By the time the concert was over, I realized how special GA was, even if it’s more difficult logistically (since I went solo and didn’t have parents or friends to stand in). I still don’t know if it’s hit me that I was like 10 feet away from them, max. It reaffirmed how important they are to me. I didn’t write this to brag, but to hopefully share my perspective and let others live vicariously through my experience. If you want clarification or anything else, write to me!

#love yourself tour #newark day 2 #bts #bts army #concert diary #concert musings

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sirsamurai · 6 years ago

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Motivation

Saturday morning I woke a seven am and made my way to Santa Rosa for the annual Toy Convention so that SPW could put on a show, for the third year in a row. I love the Toy Con... besides having so many things I want or once had it also brings in great guests. This year I actually got to look at Levar Burton and Adam Baldwin. Pretty cool.

This show marked three weeks since I dislocated my shoulder. Some would argue that I should not wrestle. But I am me so, of course, I did a battle royal and Frost and I defended the Bushido Tag Team Titles against two teams of students.

And I made it through both.

During the main event I headed back to Sacramento for the first ever Wonder Woman 5k, in downtown Sacramento. The race was to start at 5:30. According to the website packet pick up ended at 4:30 (which I hoped was wrong). I arrived at my apartment at 5. No way I would make it to the race, I thought about giving up and going to bed. Instead I got in my car and made my way downtown....where my maps app fell apart due to road closures.... due to the damn race. At 5:17 I found a place to park just under a mile from the start....but the parking meter was broken. I gave up. But then I drove around some more. At 5:31 parked four or five blocks from the start...and saw the race begin as they ran down a cross street in front of me. I gave up. Again.

Then I got out of my car, found my apron in my trunk, fed the meter, and started running towards the starting line.

Here is the problem. I haven’t run in a long time. I jog. Slowly. So by the time I got the start area I was dying. And I gave up. For the third time. To my left was Tower Bridge. And the race course. Nobody was visible. The entire race had already turned off that road. To my right was a very empty packet pick up. One guy putting everything away. I got my breath back, walked up to him to see him putting left over numbers away. I said “excuse me. Is it too late for me to grab my number and play catch up?” He had one number in his hand. He asked my name, I said Littell and he said “Joshua?” and handed me the number in my hand. He then pointed out where to get my race packet and shirt. I got all that stuff. Put the shirt in the back that also had other Wonder Woman stuff in it. That was in my right hand. My number in my left. And I started running towards the starting line.

I passed the start, dying. I passed a cop working traffic and said to her “that’s what I get for taking a nap.” She laughed and said that she had been there.

I turned right, still nobody awhile of me. Then a block later I turned left and saw two women pushing strollers in race shirts. I caught them....and dry heaved. I was completely out of gas. I walked for a bit. I turned right again, leaving Old Town.....and saw thousands and thousands of walkers and runners, most in red shirts, in the distance. So I started running again.

Over the next two miles I passed a few hundred people and eventually finished. It turns out this race had a huge turnout. I want to do it again next year.... with everybody else.

I drove home, took a quick shower, and then Cjay Kurz and I made our way to the blue lamp for the Real McKenzies. Only my ticket wasn’t at will call. Cjay offered to pay my way in, but instead I spent a few minutes going through my email looking for my receipt.

Eventually I found it and the door man told me I was still not on the list. He took my phone inside to talk to somebody. Came back out. Handed me my phone, my ID, and then wrote me onto the list so he could cross me out.

The concert was amazing. You know how with lots of rock bands the guitar player (or drummer) will do a long solo to give the lead singer a bit of a break? With the Real McKenzies the lead singer (who is near 60) sings a song acapella so the band can have a break. They rock. And Cjay is a great guy that I don’t see nearly enough.

Sunday morning up by 8 to head to Concord for PLA. My shoulder was still sore by no worse from yesterday. I think. Patrick and I defeated the WFC Tag Titles against Scoot and Eliza Hammer.... the match went fine but the crowd could not have cared less. Always leaves me with a hollow broken feeling when I can’t connect.

We were scheduled to do a big ten man main event because none of the Luchadores showed up....and then they did so the match was canceled.

We jumped into our various cars and made our way to Livingston for show number two. Wrestle For Charity at a Sweet Potato Festival.

The show opened with me in my lucha gimmick (El Hombre De Corriendo) vs Rik Luxury, whose battling a knee injury. Match was...fine. All things considered. I guess. It was ok. I then changed out of my Lucha gear and did the main event battle royal as Sir Samurai. A stupid battle royal and twice I thought my shoulder was coming out again. It didn’t. I am fine.

Here is the thing. The point of this. Today was one of my top three single best pay days in wrestling. I made money.....and could not care less. My matches sucked. I was less than I should be. And all the money in the world won’t fix that.

I am not sure what keeps me going when I give up. I am not sure what makes me feel satisfied. Complete. But I know that money has nothing to do with it.

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dnkaus · 7 years ago

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Fateful Visions | Ch. 2 Old Relationships, New Acquaintances

Namjoon x Reader (OC)

Summary: Idol Namjoon meets a grad student, Maya, but he experiences strange visions each time their eyes meet and they touch one another. Fate plays a magnetic role, & keeps bringing them together. Are these visions a sign that they should stay away or stay together?

Genre: Angst, Fluff (eventually)

Warnings: Indirect mentions of emotional abuse

Previous Part: Chapter one Next Part: Chapter Three

2017 - 8 Months Later

Time flies when you are busy, when you are numb, and when you are a grad student. It had been 8 months since Namjoon and Maya met. It had been 8 months and Caleb and Maya were still together.

Nothing in their relationship had changed within these last 8 months. Caleb’s careless tendencies, and Maya’s apathetic attitude towards Caleb’s behavior continued.

Truth be told, Maya didn’t really have time for Caleb anymore. She didn’t have time to fight with him or care about how many terrible things he did and said to her. She merely continued the relationship because it was all she knew. For Maya, it was as if she had forgotten what it was like to not have Caleb around. There was still love hidden within Maya for Caleb, and that love kept holding her back from cutting ties with him. She was really just waiting for the final straw to drop, but there was no catalyst for that straw.

At least not until Maya received a strange email from Dr. Kelly. Maya was having the usual afternoon slump after her Women in Literature class, and so she decided to go get a chai latte from her campus cafe. She had just sat down with her chai, when she received the email notification on her phone. When she saw Dr. Kelly’s name initially she frowned. Getting an email from your advisor is not something most grad students look forward to, and Maya didn’t either. However, when she read the subject line her mind became more confused. The subject line read “BTS says thanks” . Maya was taking a sip of her chai when she saw the notification, but she immediately put her cup down and opened the email after she read the subject line.

Maya stopped breathing for a second as she read the email. She was confused, surprised, excited, in shock, all of those things at the same time. She kept reading and re-reading the email as she couldn’t believe what she was reading.

For the past 8 months, Maya had fallen down the BTS wormhole. She was pretty certain she had watched every BTS video there was, even though she knew that was really impossible. To Maya, the day when she met BTS seemed like a far away dream, rather than the reality. Over the past 8 months she had seen the BTS mania grow and had witnessed her first comeback with the Wings album release.

Maya didn’t want to admit she was now a full on ARMY, the name that BTS had lovingly given to their fans, but after listening to each member’s solo song in the Wings album, she felt pathetic trying to deny her truth.

After reading the email, Maya’s excitement was through the roof. She couldn’t believe she had just received tickets to a BTS concert. How in the world was she getting so lucky? And, she received not one but two tickets! She must have saved a few countries in her past life.

Maya finished her chai while she thought about who she would bring to the concert. No one in her life was a Kpop listener and neither were they interested in concerts and such. Such a boring life they all lived. Maya sighed and decided she would ask Caleb if he wanted to go. After all, he was her boyfriend. Shouldn’t he be the first person she thinks of in times like these?

Surprisingly when Maya brought up the idea of going to the concert, Caleb was intrigued. He had no idea that Maya had actually met BTS and neither did he care to ask about how she got the tickets. When Maya told him that she wanted to go to the concert, he thought it would be good for them to go on a trip together to Chicago.

Therefore, Maya put the date on her calendar and internally began looking forward to the day. It hit her a week after she received the tickets that the day of the concert was also Hoseok’s birthday. She knew this because, even though she was not an ARMY, she just happened to Google each member’s age and birthday. It’s totally normal, she swore to herself. The realization that Hoseok’s birthday was on the same as the concert, created a dilemma for Maya. She didn’t know BTS or Hoseok very well, but at the same time she felt weird going to the concert empty handed. She remembered that day when she had met BTS. She remembered Hoseok was the one who was insisting Namjoon to take Maya’s offer about giving them a ride. She needed to say thanks to him for trusting her that day.

Maya often found herself thinking that in some other universe, she might have even ended up as friends with some of them. Again she kept telling herself these were definitely not signs of being ARMY.

When Maya went to buy gifts for Hoseok, she ended up finding gifts for all the members. She figured that if this was her last chance to meet Hoseok, it was also her last chance to meet the rest of them. She really didn’t know why she was doing this or why she even cared enough to buy things for the 7 strangers. She just felt like she had to say thanks for inviting her. These gifts weren’t anything expensive, just small things she thought they would enjoy based on the little she knew about them.

She bought a plain white t-shirt for Jungkook, as that’s what she remembered him wearing when she saw them the first time. She bought a simple necklace for Jimin, as she had noticed him fixing it when he was getting out of the minivan the day Maya had given them a ride. She bought a set of sketching pencils for Taehyung, because she had read an article about how Taehyung likes to draw. Maya bought Yoongi a beanie, as she had seen countless airport pictures of Yoongi with a beanie (even though she still doesn’t admit she is an ARMY). For Seokjin, she had bought a really nice pair of travelling chopsticks, as she had heard the members talking about how he carries chopsticks with him when he travels. Maya had found a pair of sunglasses for Hoseok and she also decided to buy him a bag that matched his eccentric yet fashionable style. She bought Hoseok two things since he was after all the birthday boy. She hoped the other members wouldn’t be offended by that.

The only person she was hesitant to buy a gift for was Namjoon. Even though it had been 8 months, the images from Maya’s vision were still lingering in her head. A part of her was genuinely worried about meeting BTS. She was worried Namjoon didn’t like her, so when it came to buying gift for Namjoon it felt strange. What would she even buy for him? He probably wouldn't like anything she bought him anyways. What was the point? She tried to convince herself she was overthinking, but due to the images in her dreamlike vision, she couldn’t help but feel a weird energy about him.

Nonetheless, she settled on a gift idea for Namjoon after extensive deliberation. She decided she would buy him a small leather bound notebook, as she knew he did a lot of the writing for BTS’s songs. This notebook was the exact same type as she carried for her story ideas and other doodles. She figured if nothing else Namjoon can write about how he doesn’t like her in that notebook.

1 month later - Day of the concert

Soon the day had arrived when Caleb and Maya were supposed to go to Chicago for the concert. Maya was worried till the last second that Caleb wouldn’t show up for their road trip and she would end up having to go alone. She really didn’t mind it as much, but she felt like if she went alone her ticket would be wasted. But surprisingly, Caleb showed up right on time for their trip. Maya and Caleb had decided that Maya would drive since Caleb’s road rage was a bit scary at times and Maya did not want Caleb to get into a bad mood. Besides, what better and iconic way to go to a BTS concert than taking the same minivan that she used to drive them to their Kpop event? It felt right.

Maya and Caleb left for their trip at 10am in the morning, because the drive to the concert venue was at least 5 hours , and they had decided they would get some lunch along the way and also they figured if they get there early, they can always do some sight seeing. Maya had been to Chicago plenty of times before, but Caleb had never been, so he was more interested in the sight seeing portion of their trip than the actual concert. To be perfectly honest, Caleb had no clue which concert they were going to. He knew it was some Korean group, but Caleb had no interest in getting to know the group. He decided to tag along, since he wanted to go to Chicago, and spending time with Maya didn’t seem like the worst thing either.

Halfway towards Chicago, Maya stopped the van at a gas (petrol) station to fill up the tank. Caleb got out of the car as well to get something to eat from the gas station’s convenience store. Meanwhile, as Maya waited for the tank to get filled, she suddenly felt the urge to write a little poem that was lingering in her head. She quickly opened the back door to the van and got out her black leather notebook she carried around, and started scribbling her thoughts. However, before she could finish she saw Caleb walking out of the convenience store, so she quickly threw the notebook in the bag with all the presents for BTS. You see, Maya did not like to share her poems and stories with others, especially not Caleb. She had somehow managed to keep that notebook hidden from everyone so far. As Caleb came towards the car he noticed Maya closing the back door to the minivan.

“What was that?” Caleb asked as he got back to the van.

“What was what?” Maya responded as if she didn’t know what he was referring to. At this point the tank was filled and Maya had finished getting her receipt and got inside the car.

“I just saw you get something from the back seat, so I was just wondering what it was.” Caleb said as he got into the van and closed the door.

“Oh that...I...I was just getting a kleenex from my purse, but then I realized there were already kleenexes in the front by your seat, so I felt stupid…” Maya responded as she laughed awkwardly.

“You are pretty stupid aren’t you. I am glad you also notice how little you use your brain. ” Caleb said as he shook his head and laughed. He thought what he said was hilarious. To an outsider, this would initially seem like a joke, but unfortunately it wasn’t.

That was unnecessary, Maya thought. But then again, she was used to hearing Caleb say things like that. He never missed an opportunity to make Maya feel small. One way or another he always slid in a comment in their conversation that would somehow make Maya feel like a complete idiot, even if she wasn’t.

Maya didn’t respond. What was she to say? Getting Caleb mad was the last thing she wanted today. She definitely did not want to create a scene when they were at the concert. She knew she just had to swallow the words.

Many people had asked Maya why she was still with Caleb, if he was so insensitive and straight up mean. However, Maya never really had a good response to that question. Logically, she knew being with him was the terrible idea. She knew that maybe if she broke up with him, she would find someone else. But she was used to having him around. She was used to feeling small. Us humans tend to stick to what’s familiar. Even if that familiar thing is toxic.

The road trip continued and so did the conversation. At one point, Caleb turned around and saw the bag in the back with gifts. “Who are those for?” Caleb asked. It hit Maya at that point that she had never explained to Caleb how she had managed to get the tickets and how she had backstage passes to meet the boy group they were going to go see. She knew if she told him the truth, he would get upset, so she had to find a way to make him the least mad. Caleb had temper issues and Maya was well aware of that from her previous experiences, so she took caution about each word she said around him. This is because she feared that even her slightest mistake would end up in some terrible consequence.

Maya was driving, but she took a few seconds and pretended to mess with the navigation app on her phone to buy some time to come with an appropriate excuse for Caleb’s question.

“Umm, those...those are from Dr. Kelly. Ummm, I don’t know if I told you this but actually these guys that are performing tonight were at UCA some months ago for one of Dr. Kelly’s events, and that’s why she is sending these gifts to say thanks to them for attending her cultural event. She gave them to me since she can’t go.” Maya said hesitatingly.

Caleb was a quiet for a second, which scared Maya so she turned to look towards him, but he was just on his phone texting someone.

“I am sorry, did you say something?” Caleb answered after a few moments.

Maya debated whether to repeat her sentence since he was obviously not interested in listening. She decided she would since they were going to meet BTS anyways, so it would look bad if he didn’t know anything.

“Uh, yeah, I was just saying those gifts are from Dr. Kelly. She sent them for the boy group we will be seeing tonight because they attended one of her cultural events.”

“Oh, okay. Well, have you met these guys before?” Caleb asked.

Great! Now Maya was having another dilemma. Should she mention the whole story about BTS getting lost and then her driving them there? Nope, that’s a terrible idea, she thought.

“Umm, yeah I met them briefly the day of the event.”

“-- Just briefly though.” Maya emphasized.

“Okay, well they better have some good music. Otherwise, I am gonna be so bored at the concert.” Caleb responded.

“Oh I am sure it’s good.” Maya said nervously.

Caleb and Maya arrived in Chicago around 4pm, since they had stopped for lunch at a restaurant on their way to Chicago. As soon as they arrived to Chicago, Caleb insisted he wanted to go to Millennium Park and as their first sightseeing destination. Maya had been there multiple times, but she went along with what Caleb wanted.

“Alright, but after Millenium Park, we should get dinner and head to the venue. I am sure it’s going to be really crowded and I don’t want to miss any part of the concert.” Maya said with enthusiasm.

“Wow, you seem really excited for this thing..huh?” Caleb was beginning to think Maya was a fan of this boy group from the way she talked about them, and he didn’t like it.

Maya hesitated before responding. “Uh- no! I am just saying, it would look bad if we didn’t get there on time.”

“I doubt they will notice if you don’t show up, Maya. It’s not like they know you. I think we should just explore Chicago while we are here and skip the concert!” Caleb broke Maya’s little illusion and said exactly what Maya was worried he would say. Why did she bring him here again? Maya thought to herself. This was a bad idea and she was starting to get a feeling it was only going to get worse from here

“True, I-I guess I just don’t want to let down Dr. Kelly. We can go to the Millenium Park, but we have to go to the concert after that.”

“Ugh, fine.” Caleb somehow gave into the idea, which surprised Maya.

As expected, when the Millennium park tour and dinner were over, Caleb tried once again to convince Maya to skip the concert. However, Maya kept insisting this was what Dr. Kelly had wanted, and somehow managed to take him to the concert venue without his full blown tantrum. By now, Maya knew what she should not do to get on his bad side.

Once they arrived at the venue, Caleb fully understood how big this group, BTS really was. He had thought they were some small scale underground band, but when he looked at the line outside the concert he realized this was a mania. Maya was also taken aback by the amount of people she saw waiting to go inside. Even though she had expected a lot of people to be here considering the growth in popularity in the past year. Maya’s adrenaline began to rise as the line that they were waiting in to go inside, finally started moving after they had waited for 20 minutes.

“Are you excited?”asked one of the other girls in front of Maya and Caleb.

“Yes! You have no idea! I can’t believe we are finally here. I had been counting down the days since I got the tickets. ” Maya couldn’t hold back her enthusiasm.

Caleb cleared his throat, indicating his disapproval of Maya’s excitement. Busted! Maya thought, as soon as she looked over at Caleb and realized her cover had been blown and he had probably guessed that she was not just here for Dr. Kelly.

“What I mean is, it’s really great that Kpop is crossing over in America. I am excited to see Americans embrace a different culture.” Maya said softly.

The girl that had asked the question, just smiled politely and turned away after she noticed Caleb’s frown.

Maya sighed as she realized she wasn’t going to be able to show any excitement the rest of the night.

As Caleb sat down in his seat he noticed the ARMY bombs/ light sticks the people around him were holding.

“What are these light thingy everyone is holding? Did we forget to get one from the front?” Caleb whispered in Maya’s ear.

Maya laughed. “Uh no, those ‘thingies are called ARMY bombs, it’s a BTS exclusive light stick you have to buy. They are definitely not free.” Maya sounded a bit enthusiastic and maybe a little snarky when she said it, and that suddenly made Caleb mad.

“Wow, you are so obsessed. I think you need to get some help, Maya. This type of behavior isn’t good for your health.” Caleb retorted out of insecurity. This was Caleb’s usual way of processing things he doesn’t know.

“I am not obsessed, Caleb. I was just telling you since you asked a question. I am sorry I didn’t mean to sound..”

“Sorry doesn’t solve everything does it, Maya? Your fan girl side is just getting annoying.”

Maya was irritated. She had controlled herself the entire day, but her patience was wearing out.

“Caleb if you don’t want to be here get out.” Maya said with the most serious tone.

Caleb was speechless. Maya rarely ever used this tone. She never dared say anything to Caleb that would possibly trigger his temper when they were alone, but right now they were in a public space. Maya knew he couldn’t do anything right now.

“What did you just say to me?” Caleb hissed towards Maya.

Maya responded without missing a beat. “I said, if you don’t want to be here get out. I feel terrible. Your ticket could have been used by someone who would have actually enjoyed the show.”

“You better stop your talking right now, Maya. What did I say to you last time when you were being snarky? I am being really patient right now, but if you don’t stop I am going to drag you out of here.”

Maya didn’t respond as the concert was starting. She wanted to enjoy the concert. She wanted to see the guys perform again. She remembered how great their previous performance was, when she saw them at that Kpop event. Maya felt excited to be in the crowd this time instead of backstage. Maya had zoned out whatever rubbish Caleb was talking as the boys walked on to the stage.

She noticed their hair were completely different colors than the last time she saw them. “Rainbow. Army’s rainbow.” Maya smiled and mumbled under her breath. Caleb saw her smile and felt his anger growing.

“What? What are you saying?” Caleb screamed in Maya’s ear. However, Maya completely ignored him as her attention was only towards the guys on the stage. She found herself especially looking at Namjoon, whose hair was purple this time. She thought back to the hallway and the images she saw when they shook hands. She had never imagined his hair being purple. Strange.

The performances began and the fanchants started. Caleb was dumbfounded by the amount of enthusiasm the audience had towards the guys on the stage. He wasn’t sure what was going on. Maya just silently admired the audience and the guys on the stage. She knew about the fanchants, but she was just too much in awe to participate. All of this just felt surreal.

After the first several songs, Caleb finally managed to get Maya’s attention when the boys went to change for their solo performances. “Are you listening to me?” Caleb shouted into Maya’s ear again. Maya finally looked over.

“What? What do you want, Caleb?” Maya was annoyed by him.

“Why were you looking at them like that?” Caleb asked as he had noticed the smile that was permanently glued on Maya’s face when the boys were on stage.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Maya asked, even though she knew exactly what he meant.

“Okay, that’s it. I can’t stand this smug look on your face, Maya.” Caleb grabbed Maya’s hand and started dragging her outside.

“Let me go” Maya yelled. Caleb grabbed onto Maya’s wrist even more tightly. “--Let me go Caleb. It hurts” he continued to drag her out of the main arena. “Please just let me go…”

By this time, they were already outside and were standing almost in the alley behind the arena, where there wouldn’t be as many people. Once they were outside, Caleb made her face him and aggressively let go of her hand.

Maya softly put her other hand around the hand Caleb was holding and pulled it near her chest. Her excitement was depleted and her heart was now filled with fear and embarrassment.

“What did I say earlier?” Caleb said with his grave serious tone.

Maya said nothing.

“Maya...answer my question. What did I say earlier?”

“About what?” Maya asked hesitatingly. She did not want to disturb the beast more than she already had, but for some odd reason, she was just more tired than usual with Caleb’s nonsense.

Caleb sighed. “Just answer one thing. You know those guys don’t you?” Caleb said changing the topic, but just slightly.

“I...I just happened to meet them at the event. I don’t really know them.” Maya answered

“Oh really?! Well, why were you acting like a 12 year old in there? Huh? You were being such a fangirl back there. That’s not you Maya. You are supposed to be a book nerd or be into some weird underground stuff. That’s what I thought you liked.” Caleb was sounding more calm, but really he was just disguising his anger in a form of indirect insults.

Maya had tears welling up inside her eyes, but after hearing Caleb’s comment, she rolled her eyes.

“Caleb you don’t know anything about me, so just stop pretending.” Maya snapped back.

“Woah, woah, what’s with the attitude, huh? Ever since we stepped in Chicago, you act like you are better than me or something. I really don’t like that Maya.”

As much as Maya was afraid of the consequences of her actions, she suddenly had a weird feeling take over her as a thought popped into her head. Caleb was still waiting for her response. He was looking towards the road outside the alley when Maya suddenly started speaking.

“...hmm, I can’t remember the exact lyrics. It goes something like ‘the tomorrow we’ve been waiting for becomes the name of yesterday at some point...Tomorrow becomes today, today becomes yesterday, tomorrow becomes yesterday and is behind me...life isn’t about living along but living through...as you live through, you’ll disappear someday”

Maya was mumbling in Korean at this point as she smiled at the ground and looked as if she was in her own little world. Caleb was just plain confused by Maya’s strange behavior.

“What are you saying?” Caleb asked. His irritation slowly reaching its peak.

Maya didn’t answer. She tried to remember all the times she had spent with him. The reasons she was choosing to stay with him were few, and as the days were passing, Caleb was losing even the few redeeming qualities that kept Maya from leaving. She remembered the song ‘Tomorrow’ she had heard from BTS. Those lyrics has stuck with her for a while because they made her uncomfortable.

Those lyrics made her uncomfortable because she was waiting this entire time for a catalyst. A catalyst that would influence her to break up with Caleb. She kept telling herself, she would break up with him when the right opportunity arose. But the more she was waiting, the more days were passing by when she couldn’t be herself. The “todays” were becoming “yesterdays” and now she was standing in a back alley of an arena with a man who had hurt her in more ways than one.

Maya took a deep breath. The deepest breath she could possibly take. She then looked up towards Caleb, trying to muster her courage and also preparing for whatever consequences that would follow next.

“Caleb, I am breaking up with you.” Maya said in the most assertive tone she could manage.

Caleb was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “What?” He asked.

“Let’s break up. This is just stupid. I have been waiting to break up with for a long time, and I kept waiting for the right opportunity, but it seems like the right opportunity will always be when I make it one. So I am choosing now. We need to break up.”

“Huh, you think this is that simple, Maya? All these years. You can’t just break up with me.”

“I know. All these years. It’s a lot. I shouldn't have taken this long to say this. I am sorry.”

Caleb suddenly grabbed on to Maya’s wrist again. This time even more tightly than before.

“You think I am some toy? Do you think you can just throw me away when you are done?” Caleb yelled.

“Let go of me, Caleb.” Maya tried to be calm, even though she was in pain.

“No, you can’t get rid of me so easily, Maya.”

“I can. I can get rid of you and I will. Let go of my hand.” Maya shouted back.

In response, Caleb raised his other hand, which was not holding on to Maya and was ready to slap her face. Maya closed her eyes as she saw the hand coming towards her. However, nothing happened. She kept waiting for what seemed like an eternity, and finally had enough courage to open her eyes.

When Maya opened her eyes, she saw that there was another hand that was holding back Caleb’s hand. She was surprised so she looked over at the owner of the hand. Maya saw a person with a black hoodie and a black face mask on. She couldn’t see their eyes nor any other features. All she saw was the person’s hand.

She looked back at Caleb, who for the first time showed a hint of fear with his anger.

“Who are you?” Caleb asked to the person that was holding on to his hand much more tightly than Caleb was holding on to Maya’s hand.

The person let go of Caleb’s hand by swinging it back, and they pushed him back against the wall of the arena and whispered something in his ear. Maya couldn’t hear anything as another song started inside the venue and the speakers blasted, which created a vibration sound even outside the arena.

Maya was still in shock at everything that was happening. She wanted the person to stop, but at the same time she didn’t. All of the sudden, the person let go of Caleb and pushed him back away from Maya and themself.

All of this was making Maya dizzy. She couldn’t understand what the person had said to to Caleb, but now she was seeing Caleb running away out from the alley.

“Caleb” Maya found herself shouting. But Caleb was gone by the time she finished saying his name. She didn’t know Caleb could run this fast until today. What had this person said to him to make him run this quickly?

“Where is he going?” Maya asked the person. She just realized that now that Caleb was gone, she was alone with the strange hooded person. She began to get scared.

It also didn’t help that the person started walking towards her. Maya started taking steps back one at a time as they took steps forward.

“Who are you?” Maya asked.

The person didn’t answer.

“I said who are you?” Maya’s voice was quivering more as she asked the second time.

Still no response.

Suddenly the person reached out towards her, so she closed her eyes again. But it turned out the person was just reaching for the door that was behind her to get inside. Maya realized this as she heard the squeak of the door, when the person opened the door, and by the time she opened her eyes the person was already inside.

Maya just stood there for the next few moments. Trying to absorb everything that had just happened. She was shaking and terrified, but also somewhat relieved. Maya’s heart was pounding, but she slowly brought herself back to reality.

Then it finally hit her. She was free. She was finally free from the trap of the guy that had prevented her from truly living her life these past few years. Now that he was gone, she was free to be as “stupid,” “idiotic, “mindless,” and all the other worse things he called her before. Maya took another deep breath and looked at the full moon in the sky. It had a bluish tint to it. Wan blue.

Maya eventually went back inside the venue from the front entrance again and returned back for the rest of the concert. It turned out she had missed Namjoon’s, Seokjin’s, and Yoongi’s solo performances. She internally thanked her luck that she didn’t miss Jimin’s Lie performance, because it was truly magical.

After the concert everyone started piling out the arena to head home. Maya grabbed her bag of gifts, which were thankfully hidden under her seat the entire time the chaos took place outside and started debating how she should get backstage. She decided to ask the security person in the lobby who talked to 5 other people through their walkie-talkie about her backstage pass to ensure she really did had backstage access.

After her security clearance, Maya managed to get backstage which was almost more chaotic than the lobby. The staff and crew were running around trying to clean up the place and getting ready to go home. Maya wasn’t sure where she would find the boys. She felt like a lost kid at a hardware store, as she really did not know how the show business worked.

Suddenly someone tapped on her shoulder as she was reading a sign of a room, and she flinched back and turned around. Maya’s adrenaline was still high from everything that happened earlier, and she was not sure what she was doing here at this point. She finally turned around and realized it was Seokjin. Seokjin also flinched back when he saw Maya flinching.

“Oh my gosh, you scared me” Maya said in English, out of habit.

“You scared me more” Seokjin responded in English. His English sounds much better than last time, Maya thought.

“I am so sorry, I just have sensitive reflexes” Maya finally began speaking in Korean and bowed.

Seokjin laughed. “Don’t worry, I do too.”

“Anyways, it’s nice to see you again” Seokjin continued

Maya felt herself becoming nervous. Crap, she was meeting BTS again! Was this really happening?

“Ah, it’s really nice to see you again too! Where is everyone else?” Maya asked.

“I think they must be in the dressing room. Let’s go find them.”

Maya followed Seokjin’s lead towards the dressing room. However, on her way there something caught her attention. There was a hoodie lying at one of the couches by the food section. She remembered this hoodie, as this was the hoodie that the mysterious person that helped her was wearing earlier. Maya gulped at the thought of who that hoodie could possibly belong to? Maya also noticed the door that probably led them outside. One thing was confirmed, it was definitely someone who had access to the backstage, because they entered through the door which led them directly to the room with all the food.

By this time Seokjin had led Maya to the dressing room. He opened the door slightly and before Maya could go in he blocked it.

“Just give me a second. I need to make sure...you know...that they all look presentable before I take you inside.” Seokjin smiled. Maya’s face became red as she realized she can’t just barge into their dressing room without warning.

Seokjin went inside, and then opened the door completely to let her in. “C’mon in!” Seokjin welcomed her in.

When Maya walked inside she saw most of the members were on their phone or were wiping their hair with their towels. They must have just gotten dressed after taking a shower. Then she looked towards the couch and found Yoongi sleeping and Namjoon was eating a banana while reading a book. As soon as they saw her, they all looked up from their phones and such.

“Hey, it’s Maya-ssi!” Taehyung shouted, as if he was the only one who had seen her. Maya felt strange seeing him after all this time. If it wasn’t for Taehyung that day helping Maya with the paper, she wouldn’t even have been standing in that room.

“Hey, guys!” Maya responded. Namjoon silently shook Yoongi, so he would wake up. Yoongi flicked him off, turned around and went back to sleep.

Before Maya talked to anyone, she walked over to Hoseok who was sitting in a chair where he probably had gotten his makeup done before the concert. Maya pulled out a small gift bag from within her giant bag and handed it to Hoseok. Hoseok just took the bag and smiled.

“Happy Birthday, Hoseok! This is for you.” Maya said with a smile in response.

“Oh wow, you didn’t need to get me anything. You came all the way here from Arkansas, that’s special enough, Maya-ssi.”

“Are you kidding? You guys were amazing and you sent me free tickets and I got to see you on your birthday!! I can’t just come here empty handed. ” Maya said while laughing.

“Well, thank you so much! This is awesome!” Hoseok gestured at the bag as he responded.

“No problem. Hope you had a good birthday!”

“I did, actually. Chicago is nice!”

“Yeah, it is, isn’t it” Maya softly responded.

Maya then turned around and found most of them staring at her bag. Yoongi was even awake by this time and was also intrigued by the giant bag. Maya saw their expressions and laughed.

“Guys, don’t worry, I brought stuff for all of you. These things are probably nothing compared to what you guys get from your fans. I just felt like even though I don’t know you very well, I still had to come say ‘hi’ when I had the chance.”

Jungkook was the first one to grab the bag from Maya’s hand and start looking inside. Taehyung also started seeing what was in there with Jungkook. All of the sudden she saw Namjoon get up from his seat and Maya felt nervous again for some reason. She initially thought he was walking out of the room, but instead he started walking towards her.

“How are you?” Namjoon said as he put his hands in his side pockets and stood in front of Maya.

“Uh...I...I am okay. You?” Maya stuttered as she talked for some reason. It was probably because of the images she saw last time when she shook hands, she later thought.

“I am good. Please take care.” Namjoon said in return.

“Oh okay, yeah...you too!” Maya managed to make a somewhat coherent response. Why was he being nice all of the sudden?

Their conversation was interrupted as Taehyung came over to show her his new sketch pencils.

“These are awesome! I love this company. Thank you!” Taehyung said.

“Aww, I am glad you like them.” Maya smiled.

“You know what, I am gonna send you my drawings when I use them. Okay?” Taehyung asked.

Maya was surprised by Taehyung’s enthusiasm. “Yeah that sounds awesome!”

“Can I have your phone?” Taehyung asked suddenly.

“What?” Maya was confused.

“Oh, I thought I can give you my second phone number, so I can send them to you using that.” Taehyung said.

Maya was shocked. Was this really happening? Was Kim Taehyung giving her his phone number?

“It’s his second phone, not his personal one. Don’t worry.” Jimin came over and clarified.

“Oh okay.” Was all Maya could say as she handed over her phone to Taehyung.

Taehyung quickly handed her back her phone after entering his number.

Then Maya suddenly heard two voices talk at the same time “no food?” Maya turned around to find Jungkook and Seokjin both looking at the bag and then looking up at her.

Maya felt flustered. “Oh ummm...yeah I didn’t bring any food. I am so sorry! Did you guys want anything specific? I can go get something right now!” Maya said trying to resolve their disappointment.

Hoseok came over and stood next to Maya. “No, don’t worry about it! They are just being silly. We have plenty of food outside anyways.” He said.

“Uh okay. Well if for some odd reason, if I run into any of you again, I will be sure to give you guys food!” Maya laughed.

“No, no it’s okay. We were just joking, Maya-ssi!” Seokjin responded.

“How is your thesis going by the way?” Jimin asked from across the room as he shuffled through the bag to find his present.

“Oh, umm...it’s going well, actually. I am applying for internships and study abroad opportunities, so it’s exciting.” Maya said.

“So, you are meeting us again then?” Yoongi answered from the couch. He was still laying on the couch.

“What do you mean?” Maya asked.

“Well, aren’t you going to apply to study in Korea?”

“Oh, yeah...well I am applying, but let’s see if I can get enough funds to actually go there.”

“Good. Travelling to culture of interest is the best way to learn about the culture. Otherwise, classrooms are not meant for learning.” Yoongi said in his elderly man wisdom voice.

Maya laughed. “You are right. It really isn’t.”

“How are you guys though? You guys are getting so popular since the last time we met. It feels surreal.”

“Yeah, it kind of is.” Jimin responded this time.

The security guard came and interrupted the strange and surreal moment. “Ma’am, you need to start heading out. We need to get the boys back to the hotel soon.” He said.

“Oh, okay.” Maya softly responded. For a second Maya had forgotten that this is not her world. This was BTS’s s world. She was merely a girl that happened to meet them once or twice.

“I guess I will see you guys later” Maya said and looked around the room.

All the guys stood up and came over towards her. “Have a safe trip back,” Namjoon said again with his professional leader voice.

“You too. Bye guys! Thanks for the tickets!” Maya nodded.

Maya shook hands with Jungkook and Jimin as they extended their hands and waved at everyone else before leaving the room and returning back to her own little reality.

With this reality came the realization that she had just broken up with her boyfriend of several years who was about to hit her but was saved by a stranger, who she still doesn’t know anything about.

Maya found her way back to the parking lot and started driving back. This day was definitely far from ordinary. She felt both sad and happy. She felt tears in her eyes but she was also relieved. Maya felt a hodgepodge of emotions on her way back to Arkansas.

After Maya left, Namjoon saw the bag that she had left for them with presents for each member. By the time Namjoon got around to looking at the bag, it was practically empty, except there were two things left. One item was packed in a nice box with a post-it note, and other was a worn out leather notebook. Namjoon read the post-it note on the nicely packed box, which was written in Korean.

“To: Namjoon

This is for all your good, bad, and the ugly thoughts. Use it well. Enjoy!

-Maya”

Namjoon smirked just slightly, and opened the box to find the same black notebook as the other one. Except this one was brand new. Namjoon picked up the other black notebook from the bag and compared the two. They were exactly the same, he thought.

First, he opened the brand new notebook and flipped through the pages. It was completely empty. Second, he decided to open the worn out notebook. As soon as he opened the notebook, he realized it was Maya’s personal notebook and closed it immediately, took it with him and put it in his bag before anyone else found it.

Namjoon thought about whether he should return the notebook somehow, or just let it be. He realized if he contacted her again, it would mean their paths would cross again, which he did not want after experiencing those images last time when they shook hands.

However, if he didn’t contact her, would she notice her notebook was gone? He decided he would just keep it. She is a writer, she probably has so many notebooks, he thought.

He ended up keeping the notebook in his personal bag the entire plane ride back to Korea. He didn’t open it or try to read what’s inside. He just kept it with him.

It wasn’t until a month later, when Namjoon finally couldn’t resist opening the notebook. It was the same day he found out the truth about his girlfriend, Choi Ji Hyu.

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landminerelieffund · 4 years ago

Text

News From the Jungle

Friday 20 November 2020

How are the locals dealing with the collapse of tourism? That’s a question I get asked a lot by my friends. There is no simple answer. I know people who are dealing with it well, and I know people who are struggling mightily. Siem Reap, home of Angkor Wat, lives and dies on the tourist trade. Tourism is down 98% from 2019. At $37 a ticket that’s a loss nearly $70,000,000 a year. That doesn’t count all the money those tourists spend on tuk tuks, hotels, food, drinks and souvenirs. People are reaching the point where they are selling their homes to have money to buy food. Rentals are available, and very negotiable.

Hotels and Restaurants First of all, you need to understand the impact of the problem. 90% of the hotels and guest houses in Siem Reap are closed. And we had over 600 of them. Some of the Khmer owned guest houses have managed to stay open because they are family owned, family operated and fully paid for. Their ‘breakeven’ is food and utilities. The bigger hotels and guesthouses are staying open for Khmer holidays, and we are getting a good number of tourists here for those. We were very crowded for Khmer New Year 2.0 in August. There were thousands here for Pchumben, and a fair group here for Water Festival. Our next holiday is Traditional New Year. As for the 5 Star Hotels, only couple are open right now. The rest closed st the beginning of Covid and are still shuttered. It’s estimated that 70% of the restaurants in Siem Reap are closed or operating on a part time basis. i know one restaurant that used to be open 09:00 - 22:00 and was always crowded. Now they open 9:00 - 18:00. They have distanced their tables and encourage you to sit outside. The profit they make, after cost of food and utilities, is split evenly among the workers. About half the staff has been let go.

There was an article in the paper yesterday talking about restaurant owners relocating from Siem Reap to Phnom Penh. I’ve seen that myself. A friend owns a popular Greek restaurant in town. He just opened one in Phnom Penh and its doing very well.

Tuk Tuks and PassApps (Tuk Tuk: top photo PassApp: bottom photo) The people hit the worst have been the tuk tuk and PassApp drivers. Tuk tuk drivers are the preferred transport for tourists. They are part of the culture of Angkor and everyone loves riding around town in them. PassApps are a lot cheaper and the preferred ‘taxi’ of locals. When we take a PassApp it’s about half the cost of tuk tuks. With no tourists here, the tuk tuk drivers have, for the most part, parked their tuks and found other work. Many are working on the road improvement program the government has going. More on that later. PassApps seem to be more readily available than tuks today, but a lot of the PassApp drivers are selling their vehicles. Many have been repossessed by banks that gave out loans for the vehicles because there is just not much business. There is no dearth of used PassApps for sale. I did a quick survey and it seems you can get a used one for $1400 - $1800. A new one costs abut $4,500. A tuk tuk on the other hand costs under $2,000 new, and I helped a friend completely rebuild his old one for $700. I know one PassApp driver who is making about $3.50 a day. That’s about $100 a month. Not enough to feed a single person, much less a family, which most of these guys have.

And then last night I saw a Chinese guy driving a tuk. It’s very unusual to see non-Khmers, or women driving tuk tuks. What’s being done to help Phnom Penh is the capital of Cambodia, It’s home to 2,000,000 people; about 13% of the population of the country. While it certainly makes a lot of money off tourists, it doesn't live and die on tourism. It is the home of the government, international corporations are located there and, while many of the big hotels are hurting, few have closed. The major impact is concentrated in Siem Reap, and that’s where most of the effort is going to help. The government recognizes that this virus will impact us for some time. It’s been estimated that tourist numbers may not be ‘back to normal’ for another 2-3 years. I don’t think we will see tourists returning in number until 2022 at least. Beautifying the city: The government has implemented a $150,000,000 road improvement program in Siem Reap. They will be adding paved bike paths inside the park and making a huge effort to make the city more accommoding to tourists. They want Siem Reap looking great when tourists return. There is going to be a huge contest to get tourists and Cambodia wants to be ready.

The road work is sort of a mini WPA (Works Projects Administration from the1930s in the USA that built dams, roads and buildings across America). I know a lot of tuk tuk drivers who have parked their tuks and taken construction jobs. They are not selling their tuks. They know that when the tourists return, they’ll want a tuk tuk to take them around town and to see the temples. Tickets to Angkor Park: The government started selling 6 month passes for the temples to expats who have a 6 month or 1 year visa. The expat community has been asking for this for years. It’s never been available. It costs Jill and I $74 to visit the temples for a day (2 single passes). So we went once or twice a year. As soon as the 6 month pass was made available we bought them. We’ve been to the temples many times in the last 6 months. Tomorrow we go renew the pass for another 6 months. This program brought in a lot of needed funds to the Apsara Authority, the ministry that manages Angkor Park. Taxes. Cambodia is catching up to the rest of the world in collecting taxes. Every business and NGO has to report monthly, with receipts for all expenses. It’s an online system and works pretty well. The government decided not to introduce capital gains taxes this year. Many people, as mentioned, are selling their homes to have money to live on. Cambodia went through a version of this in 2008 -2010 with the GFC (Global Financial Crisis). People stopped traveling and it took 18 months for the tourists to return. This is going to be far worse.

COVID The Covid crisis has been handled well here. We’ve had around 300 cases and no deaths. Quite a scare this month when the Foreign Minister from Hungary visited and tested positive on his return to Bangkok. Over 1,000 people put into quarantine from direct and indirect contact. But any ‘spread’ was stopped. Cambodia, like the rest of the world will survive this, but its going to be a long, difficult road. The Together Project We are still giving out food. We’ve given out over 125 tons so far and will be purchasing another 20 tons next month. This weekend we’ll be repackaging 5+ tons of rice and 2 tons of added foodstuffs. None of this is done alone.

I end all my emails with a quote from John Donne: Any man’s death diminishes me for I am involved in mankind....Therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee. We are all brothers and sisters on this little rock. Support our work at: www.landmine-relief-fund.com/donate/

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

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559

Have you today?

Looked in a mirror? Yeah, I was looking at myself while brushing my teeth earlier.

Watered a plant? I don’t think I’ve done that in the last few years.

Worn denim? Nope, I’m staying in today. And I kinda have to anyway, because it’s a holiday. Washed your hair? Yep, I took a long shower a few minutes ago. Been in pain? Yes, woke up to the same toothache that’s been bothering me for a few weeks now. The pain is on the down low at the moment, but yeah it was there when I woke up.

Had a nap? Not sure if it counts as a nap, but I decided to sleep in today and kept waking up a few times the whole morning until I finally woke up for real at around 11:30. Brushed your teeth? I already mentioned that I did this, yes. Kissed someone? I gave my dog some kisses today, but not a person. Used a cheese grater? I’ve eaten one meal today and it didn’t need any cheese. Eaten something sweet? Nope. Spoken to a stranger? Also no. Like I said, I’m staying in today. My introverted ass is tired from the last few weeks of working and socializing. Dropped something? I don’t remember doing so...I’ve only been in bed all day. Felt upset in some way? I’m feeling a little down, but I wouldn’t call myself upset. Drank coffee? I took two painkillers in one day yesterday, which is bad in itself; I wouldn’t want to mix coffee into my system.

Walked for more than thirty minutes? Nah, the furthest I’ve walked today is to the bathroom to take a shower. Signed up for something? That’s a no. I really should have picked a different day to fill this up, hahaha. Travelled in a car? I didn’t drive today and don’t plan to until like Tuesday, because that’s when I have to go back to school. Opened a can? Here’s a tiny secret: I don’t know how to open cans :c Thought about doing something crazy? Nah, I’m not feeling too crazy today. Listened to a new song? As a matter of fact I am. Spotify will sometimes play you a bunch of new songs it thinks you’d like based on the music you do listen to, and that’s the playlist I have on right now. Written in a notebook? I have not. Fed an animal? I gave my dog the rest of my lunch when I didn’t feel like eating anymore. Checked your emails? I had to answer a couple of them, yes. Told someone you love them? No, not yet. Made a phone call? Nope.

Have you in the last week?

Travelled on a bus? I haven’t been on a bus since my high school class went on a retreat to Baguio four years ago. Washed your face? Yep, yesterday. My face was feeling oily for some reason so I used some facial wash we had in the bathroom. Used a blender? I don’t think I’ve ever needed to use a blender before. Received a phone call? Yeah, Gab calls me most nights. Talked to someone you dislike? I had to talk to this girl who has a known attitude problem because we’re working on something together in a subject that we’re classmates in. She hasn’t shown me her rotten side just yet but I’ll be more than ready if she does. Consumed alcohol? Yeah, I went to two Halloween parties in the last week :/ Eaten pasta? I don’t think I have this week. Planned for an event? We don’t have any upcoming events so there’s nothing to plan for to begin with. Asked someone for a favour? Yep, I asked my classmate Gia to bring her VGA adapter because I needed one to do my report for history class and I don’t have an adapter of my own. She’s super nice and helped me out. Watched something funny? Yeah I mean I make it a point to watch at least one funny video a day so that my days aren’t completely shitty. Trimmed your nails? I have not, which explains why they’ve grown out so much lately. Browsed Reddit? I haven’t been browsing Reddit as much lately because I’ve been busy, but I did open the app at least once within the last week. Talked to yourself? I often talk to myself while driving alone. Purchased tickets for something? I did not this week. Felt like you were annoying someone? Always. Cleaned a toilet? Nope. Reminisced about the past? I mean, my friends and I always do in one way or another. Used headphones? No, my old headphones have been busted for yeeeeears now. Laughed with a friend? I spent time with several groups of friends this week, yeah. Which is why I’m completely socially exhausted now. I’m using the undas weekend to recharge. Cooked dinner and then didn't feel hungry? I don’t cook, so this is an automatic no. Written a list? It was a to-do list of stuff I had to accomplish before the undas break, if that counts. Played an instrument? Technically I did? I was sleeping over at Rita’s place last weekend and their guest room had a ukulele lying around, so before I fell asleep I do remember strumming the strings for a few minutes, even though I had completely no idea what I was doing. Felt jealous or envious? Always do. It’s my worst deadly sin. Ignored a text message on purpose? Always. Congratulated someone? I always make it a point to congratulate my friends for their leaps, whether big or small.

Have you in the last month?

Made a piece of art? Art is my weakest suit and it’s something I never even try to dabble in, because I know I would be horrible.

Rewatched one of your favourite tv shows or movies? I always rewatch Friends, and I did attempt to do a rewatch of Breaking Bad before El Camino was out on Netflix, but I didn’t get to finish it because uni had kept me very busy.

Called a plumber? There wasn’t any need to.

Been to a see a doctor? No. I definitely should go to the dentist, though. Finished a book? I haven’t been reading. Had a crush on someone? Of course.

Travelled on a train? Nooooooo I hate the public transport system in this country. Worn heels? I haven’t had to in the last month. I wish I owned more pairs to just wear casually to school though; it wouldn’t hurt looking like a bad bitch around the college hahahaha. Been to a friend's house? I’ve been to Gabie’s and Rita’s houses.

Shared a bed with someone? Yes, Gab has slept over a couple of times. Been to see a movie at the cinema? I think it’s been more than a month since my sister and I saw Hello, Love, Goodbye at the movie theater. Paid attention to celebrity drama? Meh, loosely. I know of the issues, but the drama lately hasn’t been too juicy. Felt anxious? AL. WAYS. Taken an elevator? On the days we were too lazy to take escalators. Given someone the cold shoulder? I don’t think I’ve done this recently. Purchased a new book/game/movie? I didn’t purchase it but I downloaded Mario Kart on my phone. Applied for a job? Nope. Used a printer? Yes, I’ve had to print papers and handouts for several classes. Had lunch in a park? We don’t have any parks, and anyway it’s usually too hot to eat outside. Gotten a manicure or pedicure? Not a fan of either, so no. Made an appointment? No. I did ask my mom to schedule a dentist appointment because my 21 year old kiddie ass is still too anxious to do it myself sjdklsdfdfhdkhskdjfsjffskfhkjsfh Had a blood test done? NO. Is this the one where they prick your finger? NO THANKS BYEEEEEE Suffered from a major bruise? It wasn’t major but I did briefly get a nasty bruise on my knee a few weeks ago. It was probably from PE but I never was sure where it came from. Researched a topic in-depth? I kinda have to; I’m working on my thesis for the next year or so.

Have you in the last year?

Been to the beach? Yes, several times. The most recent time was last August in Nasugbu, which was kinda bad timing on our end because we usually get bad typhoons in August haha. But it was the last week of summer and we wanted to do something fun before we had to go back to school, so off we went. Visited someone in the hospital? Thank goodness I haven’t had to. Played pinball? No, but I have played races on Waluigi Pinball courses on Mario Kart if that counts HAHAHAHA Travelled on a plane? Yes, several times. Worn a costume? I have. I went as Dora for Halloween this year. Been thrift shopping? Yesssssss. I got into it a few months ago when I saw a few stalls at a local mall selling really trendy tops for much cheaper. Thought about getting pregnant or got pregnant? Neither. Made a big life decision? I decided on my thesis topic, which is personally a pretty huge decision to make. Changed a lightbulb? Nope. I don’t know how to. Framed something and put it on your wall? I haven’t. My wall has stayed the same for like three years now. Been stargazing? Nah. Haven’t really had the time to. Made a new friend? New people who come into the org. Added to a collection? Obviously I’ve gathered more receipts from my dates with Gab within the year, but I haven’t gotten around to organizing any of them. They’re all just piled up in my wallet. Been to the dentist? No, but I have to UGH this toothache is out to kill me I swear. Broken up with someone? Nope. Held a baby? I don’t think so but I wish I’ve gotten to do it D: Created a budget? I mean I always carefully plan out my weekly allowance, so yeah. Confessed feelings for someone? I already did that three years ago. Had surgery of any kind? Nope. Quit a job? I have not. Been in a car accident? No, thank jeebus. Purchased something worth over a grand? Not yettttt, but I’m planning to for Christmas. Been on vacation at least 500km/300mi from home? Yes, when we went to Batanes and Albay. Applied for an academic course? Does enrolling for a semester count? Had your photo taken by a professional? No not yet, but very soon when I get my graduation photos taken.

#survey #surveys

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sizzlingasianpersuasion · 7 years ago

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Drunken Meet & Greet and Bill Maher

When I saw on the TER board that the NYC Meet & Greet would be November 9th, I decided I would definitely plan to tour the city after the expo. I had never been to on and figured it might be worthwhile to network. A previous client and I decided to see each other before the Meet & Greet started. He was a client I actually met in Vegas, but he's an Italian from NY/NJ, and we really hit it off. He fell ill the last time he was in Vegas, and had to go out of town for work when I was in the city in October, so it was really nice catching up with him.

We discussed politics, and obviously we had to discuss Trump, and I said, "I know you hate him as much as me."

He said laughing, "I don't think I hate him as much as you do." But we agreed that we both think he's a moron. He identifies as being a moderate, and he is a gun owner, but he agreed there is no need for people to have automatic weapons. There was common ground that we found on different issues, and he was happy to find out that I'm not one of those extreme liberals. We head to the M & G together, and we order some drinks. We evaluate the crowd, comparing ourselves to the others. He is attracted to my mind and knows I have a good heart, and I appreciate his attractiveness to me is more than just a superficial one. I did spot a young woman, who was either from somewhere in Asia, or she was mixed. She talked to us for a moment, and I found out that she was new to the business. We notice an older white woman who has a long, furry, pink coat on. She introduces herself as, Diana Love. At some point, I get a glimpse that she's topless underneath. My client misses it, but later on she decides to change, and strips down by the window, in front of everyone to put a top on. We also spot another tall, sexy black lady. My client says to me, that he thinks, she is probably the one who said, "I'll be the tall one," on the reply back to the invite. He says something to her, and I comment on how I like her bracelet, and she walks over to us. She says her name is Autumn, and we talk to her for a bit. We have a couple more drinks, and then my client heads out because he has work in the morning. I continue to stand at the bar. I'm watching over Diana's drinks as she excused herself to the bathroom. An older man comes up a few feet behind me. I can smell rotten food in his mouth and I'm not even facing him. Thankfully, he didn't start talking to me. And I kept my back to him just so he wouln't feel inclined to strike up a conversation with me. I think I would have gagged if I had to lean in to hear what he might have tried to say to me. I take my drink and I find Autumn again, sitting on a bean bag chair in the back corner. She's from Toronto and says I should tour there. I tell her I have one fan who keeps telling me to go to Toronto, but because I know it's legal there, I wouldn't know how I would do. But she says, I would do well because there's not many tall, beautiful, fit, Asian women there. I'm drinking my third Tito's and tonic, when Diana asks if I want do a shot with her. I agree to and also ask for a water shortly after. Diana, Autumn, and I are not cool enough to be invited to the after party, which I believe was designated for VIP clients and the ladies they picked up there. Diana and I do a second shot with Autumn and I finish my third Tito's and tonic. Another couple ladies invite us to go to a club uptown. I get another drink for some reason, and we climb into an Uber, and head to the club with drinks in hand. I drink half of mine and offer it to the woman sitting in the middle in the backseat with me. Then the liquor finally hits me. And I realize the only thing I ate was an egg and cheese earlier that afternoon. I don't want to be the messy drunk girl at the club, so at Third Avenue and E. 40th Street, or somewhere around there, I remember E. 40th, but I can't remember what avenue, I tell the driver and the ladies in the car, I'm going to hop out and go back to my hotel. They were cool about it, and I got myself a cab back downtown. I was sleepy in the back of the cab, and definitely feeling the vodka. I was happy I decided to go back to my hotel. Impressively, I remembered to get a receipt from my cab driver before climbing out. My suite had one and a half bathrooms. The half being right near the room door as you enter. I quickly stripped off my coat, dashed to the bathroom, took off my shoes as I was on the toilet, and then passed out on the floor for a bit. I don't know how long I was passed out on the floor. It wasn't for the whole night. At some point, I got up, somehow managed to unzip my dress without too much struggle, and fell into bed naked. I think I drank the water in my water bottle before passing back out and filling it up again, knowing at some point, I would need to drink more water during the night. I think I woke up again around 8 AM, saw a text from Autumn earlier in the night asking if I got back okay. I replied back to her telling her how I passed out and then proceed to order breakfast. I waited for the delivery, ate, and then went back to sleep. I was definitely hung over, and decided to get my day started around 11:00. There was a possibility I was going to have an appointment. I checked my emails and my texts, and decided to get into the shower and get ready. But of course I didn't end up seeing anyone, and despite being mildly hungover, I would have preferred to go to the CrossFit gym than gotten ready for no one. It was 34 degrees on Friday, so I didn't even leave my hotel. My friend mentioned she was headed into the city to run errands, but she and her husband were exhausted afterwards, since they were toting around their three month old, so I didn't get to see them to get some weed or meet up for dinner. I ordered some takeout and depressingly wondered why I have whole days where I have zero appointments. I went to bed around 1:30-2:00 AM, set my alarm to go the gym. I paid for a week pass thinking it would be less expensive if I went every day, but I ended up only going twice. Apparently, I needed to catch up on sleep, and I think my self-doubting thoughts kept me up that night, so I didn't get up until 10:00 AM. I didn't have any appointments for Saturday, since I was initially planning to leave that day. But when I heard that Bill Maher was going to be at Madison Square Garden that Saturday, I told myself it would probably be a cool memory to see him in New York, despite having seen him at the Mirage in Vegas this past year. I was hoping to pick up an appointment since I had nothing on Friday, but that didn't happen either. I got ready, just in case, and waited. Later in the afternoon, my friend said they were headed to her father's in the city and asked if I could meet them there. I waited and didn't hear from her again until after 6:00 PM. I told her I couldn't stay too long because I wanted to smoke before the show, but she said I could smoke there. My Uber ride took forever because of traffic, despite only going up fifteen streets, and over another avenue east. I got up to the apartment, and was not surprised to be greeted by another dog I had not met before. A little puffy, cinnamon Pomeranian barked at me, and I knelt down for the dog to sniff me saying, "Oh, I don't know who you are." My friend laughs her infectious laugh, "That's Rocco. That’s my sister's dog." "Ah," I say, but I would not have been surprised if my friend said that this was her fifth dog. "Do you have any papers by chance?" my friend asks me. I purposely brought my Raw rolling papers and a lighter with me. "Yes," I say. My friend hands me a paper bag with a snowman stamped on the outside. Inside is my edible Peanut Butter crunch chocolate bar and a small mason jar of my eighth of weed. "Do you happen to have a Ziplock bag?" I ask. "Hmm, I'm going to have to figure out where to put this going into the show." Luckily, my friend has a Ziplock bag that a bracelet was in, and asks if I want Saran wrap it too because it is strong weed. "Yes, please," I reply. "I think I'm going to have to stick it up my pussy." She gives me a piece of Saran wrap, and I wrap it up tight. I look at the edible bar as my friend rolls a joint. "I'll usually eat a whole one," my girl friend says. I see on the label that it's 225 mg. "Oh, fuck, no. There's no way I'm going to eat this whole thing. I'd be melting into the floor." I pretend to drool and slide to the ground. The bar is broken up into nine equal squares. I try to just take two of them, but the way it breaks off, I end up having a third of the bar. Her mother-in-law is there and us, ladies, smoked the joint on the balcony, while her husband held the baby. It was soon 7:15, and I knew I should order an Uber and head out the door to get across town to MSG. I say goodbye to my friend and her family and before going out the door, I quickly shove the Saran-wrapped weed up my pussy. After the hassle of getting into Madison Square Garden, anyone who's attended a show there, knows the arduous process of going through security and getting into the theater. I beep when I go through the scanner, and the security guy with the portable metal detector asks, "Do you have any metal on you anywhere?" "Uh, all over," I say, "I have piercings." "Yeah, that will sometimes do it," he says as he scans over me. He lets me pass and I get into the line for the theater and then quickly find the bathroom so I can pull the eighth of weed out of my pussy. It's past 8:00 PM, probably closer to 8:15 by that point, so I bypass the lines to get snacks because I still have to find my seat and I don't want to miss the show, despite knowing I would have cottenmouth. Luckily, I had some gun and swapped pieces midway through the show to help with the cottenmouth a bit. I find the section my seat is in and walk down to the row, since I went by myself I only ordered one ticket, and was hoping I would be somewhere near the end of the row so I wouldn't have to walk by a bunch of people. I got to my row, and there were two ladies at the end, a seat with coats on it, and then a few more ladies. I figured I was the seat that had the coats on it, but I told them my seat number, and the ladies at the end moved in, so I got to sit at the end. I thought Bill's show was funnier than when I saw him in Vegas. Maybe it was the weed, maybe it was the edible, maybe because I was in New York City in Madison Square Garden. I did feel he performed more to the crowd in New York than he did in Vegas, perhaps because he knew the majority of us were intellectual, New York liberals. I left MSG, attempted to figure out where I was. I always get a little turned around whenever I leave there, found a CVS to get some potato chips and drinks, ordered an Uber and waited. I don't vividly recall the CVS stop, since the edible was really hitting me then, but I knew how important they were going to be once I was back in my hotel room. My Uber was five minutes away still, and then a cab pulled up letting other people out and I asked him to take me back to my hotel and cancelled my Uber. I got back to my hotel, ordered off GrubHub from Bareburger, I was in a veggie burger and french fry kind of mood. I also ordered some brussel sprouts, that were also delicious. My girl friend asked about the show and said they were back in Brooklyn and were watching Bill Maher. I recalled that I had not watched the previous night's 'Real Time' because HBO didn't come through on the TVs and I fell asleep before they posted it on HBOGo. I pulled it up on my laptop, told my friend it was great to see her and about how I pulled the weed out of my pussy before the show started, but when we were exiting from the show the people around me were commenting on the skunk smell. I laughed and ate my way through 'Real Time.' I put on an episode of 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' and passed out on the couch. I woke up an hour or so later, stripped off my clothes, didn't wash my makeup off, and went to bed naked again. I think I was definitely weed hung over the next morning. I set three alarms for 8:30, 8:45, and 9:00 AM. I got up before the 9:00 AM one went off. Got up, went the bathroom, checked out how my makeup lasted, decided to wash it off and do natural makeup, and then went to the bagel shop around the corner that I had been visiting all week. Got my last lox on an everything bagel and ordered half a dozen. I had to go to Duane Reade again and buy more Ziplock bags to take them home. I unwrapped the weed, rolled myself a small joint, and then started packing all my stuff. I needed/wanted to smoke on one of the balconies I had before I left. I was aiming to leave my hotel at 12:30 PM, and got down to front desk and checked out by 12:25. I waited for my Uber driver, and by watching his route on his way to me, I had a gut feeling he was somehow going to fuck up on the drive to Newark. Before we got on the thruway, I asked him which way he was going and made sure he was taking the way that was the fastest to get there. But then we missed the exit that took us to the airport, and had to travel in the opposite direction before we were able to turn around, and then we missed another way we should have taken to go back around, so then had to travel further in the wrong direction. And then he had his blinker light on for way too long, and I notice all these cars pass by us. I look at his speedomoter and he's going 17 mph under the speed limit. I have to point to what exit we need to go, and repeat myself several times to go to Newark Airport. "Go where?" "Straight!" "Where?" "Straight ahead! Look at the sign that says Newark Airport!" We putter along going 15-20 mph under the speed limit. Thankfully, I left with plenty of time to get my bags checked and get through security, and I smoked that joint before leaving, or else I would have been even more pissed. But the last five minutes were excruciating as I watched several vehicles zoom on by us.

#meetandgreet billmaher nyc madisonsquaregarden manhattan iloveny drunkandstoned

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scorpioslut-blog1 · 7 years ago

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Flying

This is just for me. Not to be a ~tumblr blogger~ or anything, but as the use of pens, pages, and paper slowly dwindles, a girl’s gotta keep up. But this is NOT a blog. I don’t know. It just seems more accessible and honestly convenient now that I have my own laptop and I’m going to college and whatnot.

Which brings me to my next topic - college. I’m going. Literally. Right now. I’m sitting in the Houston Airport, named after THE Daddy Bush, quietly contemplating my mortality. Waiting for my layover to end so I can leave this wretched self-proclaimed “capital of the South”, I felt it was finally time to talk about all this shit.

I spent my last few days mostly alone. I saw a few friends off this past week or two, but most recently I’ve been saying goodbye to my favorite local food/coffee businesses, my beloved car, and the feeling of smoking a cigarette while driving in Betsy my Honda Fit while Colored Emotions or Malibu 1992 or maybe Swim Good plays (especially at night with the windows down when it’s just slightly cold enough). Yesterday, my Last Day, was half spent working at the coffee shop I’m “employed” at from 8 am till 3 pm, and half spent at a Mongolian party consisting of mostly children ages 4-11. All the kids my age stopped showing up to these family events when puberty hit, but I always enjoyed them. I enjoyed being surrounded by culture and language and food and music and alcohol and people I’ve known my whole life. And I really do love kids. So despite the fact that I mostly attended the party in the hopes that an older PhD candidate I kissed once at a wedding would be there, I ended up spending the night pushing little girls around as they played “princess”, which is some sort of game involving me looking up Disney Princess songs on Spotify for them to listen to as I push them in various strollers, wagons, and wheel-based contraptions that they had christened “carriages”.

Anyway, while I usually try to look like an older, mature, slightly lonelier hot adult woman at these events, I decided to just say fuck it and enjoy some time, possibly my last time, enjoying being a kid with children much younger than I. Because we all grow up too fast anyway. And I wanted to enjoy being a kid before I was forced into permanent adulthood. Which is where I am now. Drinking a shitty caramel latte from Starbucks instead of one from Marketstreet. Sitting on my laptop like a lame, shitty, boring, work-oriented adult.

I remember last night a BANK RECEIPT fell out of my back pocket while I was playing with the little kids. A BANK RECEIPT. That was when I realized how god damn old I was. For better or for worse, I was forced into adulthood this summer. With my stupid PNC bank account with its receipts and emails and letters. With my severe and stressful money problems involving UC Berkeley attendance. With my shitty overpriced coffee I bought out of habit rather than craving or impulse. With my slowly developed smoking problem that I had used as an attempt to cope with the stress and depression of a summer filled with growing up all too fast. With visits to the gym. With traffic tickets. Parking tickets. Plan B. Among other things.

It’s been a summer of reckonings, of distancing and loneliness and pressure and boredom. A really shitty summer, to be honest. I gained fifteen god damn pounds this year. And I can't exactly figure out why. I’ve always eaten like shit, and I don’t even think my portions are any bigger nowadays. I’ve never exercised, and when I exercised for almost a month straight, I only found that I’d GAINED five more. What the FUCK. I’m thinking of quitting coffee. Or cigarettes. One or the other, not sure yet. I thought cigarettes made you eat less, but what do I know. Oh also I don’t take my Prozac (at all) (which I’m supposed to be taking every day). Who knows. I guess I sat on my ass a lot this summer. Just watching Netflix and hating everything. Alienating everyone in my life. Waiting for college to finally come. And now that it’s here, I don’t really know what the fuck I’m doing. I think I had a small meltdown last night when I got home because I really felt like puking for a while but it could’ve just been the dumplings. Maybe nerves. It had just finally hit me that I was moving out of my home forever. Of course, I left my room looking like a shitshow, but it still felt like I was leaving. It felt sad. Very very sad. And I didn’t feel ready, all of a sudden. After years of waiting for this day to come, I felt overwhelmed. Robbed.

I guess change is hard. No matter how good it is. A part of me wanted to stay forever, and couldn’t imagine not sleeping in my own bed or living in my own room, but I guess the more eternal part of me was ready. I had nothing left for me there. Nothing. But it was still a little sad. Because I really do love my parents, and I was gonna miss them. And things were changing so fast and sudden and while we all knew it was going to come, I don’t think you even realize the magnitude of what is happening before it’s too late. So I just ripped the band-aid off and went on my way and now I’m here in the capital of the South thinking about what the fuck is about to happen. And what the fuck I do next. I want to go to the gym, eat healthy, make friends, meet boys, go to parties, keep good grades, maybe get a job, get some tattoos. But these are just things you say until they're not and you’re in the middle of it and that’s your life. So I guess the first step was deleting my “private twitter” and making this thing. And with this new Berkeley Discount laptop, I might just keep using it.

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alifeenrouteblog · 6 years ago

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72 hours in havana, cuba

Why I went to Havana

My obsession with getting to Cuba is convoluted. My Uncle Mike was sick for well over a decade; a heart transplant led to lung cancer for the 63-year-old nonsmoker. His wife, my Aunt Suzanne, unexpectedly died in the summer of 2015, which was very hard for everyone in the family. But of course, it was the hardest for Mike; they had been married for 40+ years. We all saw how a part of him died the day Suzanne died.

I could go on and on about how amazing the two of them were but I'll keep it quick. After Suzanne passed, Mike became more obsessed with traveling. I think the depression of losing his one true love drove him to want to do some very ambitious travel. He wasn't well and probably should not have traveled internationally at all, so it took us all for a surprise when he told everyone we would be doing a family trip to Cuba the Christmas after Suzanne died. He wanted to do it before he died. A newly opened country to the US does not sound like the best place for a man struggling to beat cancer. But that was Mike.

I'm not sure if my Dad talked him out of it or if Mike just forgot about it or what exactly happened, but I know the conversation about Cuba stopped after Christmas. Mike passed away that June. Four days after my Uncle Mark (his brother and roommate) died. Yes, that is correct. We lost two uncles/brothers in the span of four days. I wouldn't say I was extremely close with either one of them. Mostly because they were far across the country. But both of them were amazingly kind and loving people. I admired them very much. And I loved them deeply. When they died, I silently went into a deep depression.

At first, it was the pain of seeing my Dad in so much pain. Other than my brother and I, Mike and Mark were his only living immediate family. His parents have both died. The fourth brother David, passed away in an accident in 2005. His brothers were his best friends. Seeing my Dad lose everyone made me want to scream. It was so incredibly painful. My Dad's great at keeping it together but I knew how much he was suffering. And probably still is.

When I got home from the joint funeral, and for the rest of the summer, anytime I got home from the bar or had a couple of glasses of wine in my apartment, I would sob in my bed. For hours. Sometimes, I'd drunk dial my brother and cry to him about how much I missed them. But other than that, I never told anyone how much I was hurting. If you don't understand this next statement, I don't blame you, but it's all I can do to explain the dark place I was in at the time - I had a survivor's guilt. I didn't think I deserved to live while the two best men I knew died in their early sixties. I hated it. At the time, I wasn't proud of anything I'd done. I wasn't suicidal but I just felt like the world would have been better with Mike and Mark than with me.

I know that's not logical thinking and I eventually healed. I still miss them but I stopped that survivor's guilt thinking. I did want to feel closer to them though and I thought the best way was to do what they always wanted to do - go to Cuba.

A little less than a year after Mike passed, I went to Cuba - alone, and having done little research. Only for about 72 hours. And about 20 additional hours of travel. I didn't do enough museums, tours, etc. Because I was too nervous about the language barrier and not having enough cash. But fuck it. I did the best I could. It was worth it. 100%.

I cried on the cab ride from the airport to my airbnb. Just seeing this magical, forbidden place and thinking about Mike and Mark. The whole trip was profound. The buildings are beautiful and colorful. When I walked around early in the morning, the streets smelled of men's cologne.

I cried a lot there. I cried because it was so beautiful. I cried because I was grateful to be there. And I cried because I missed Mike and Mark. But I wouldn't change anything. I'd love to go back and spend more time and do the right things.

This was only my second trip alone. My first solo trip I just read on the beach in a sleepy fishing village in Nicaragua. But in Havana there is so much to do and see and I wish I did more. I wish I went to the beach or the museums or some of the tours. Unfortunately, I had a lot of anxiety there. I was too scared to ask for directions or help. But I left that trip with so much confidence and I went on the next trip much more able to navigate big city travel alone.

I didn't wait for the perfect trip, where I was there for 10 days, practiced Spanish, and planed every day’s itinerary. I saw a small window of opportunity and just went for it. Even if I missed a bunch of stuff while I was there.

I don't have all the best advice on what to do there but I think walking around Havana for hours aimlessly is the best. It’s so beautiful. You'll see things there you won't see anywhere else. The smells and sounds are once in a lifetime.

Here is some logisitical info you might find helpful:

Getting to Cuba

I planned for a five days trip to Havana. I was flying from a client engagement in Minneapolis to Havana, so that my flight there was paid for by my client. One of the few things I miss about consulting. I ended up cutting my trip short when I was asked to do another client engagement in San Francisco the following week. I just cut the trip to three days and flew straight to San Francisco from Havana. It was so much travel and I was exhausted but well worth it.

I flew Spirit to Havana. And American Airlines for my return. When I booked my ticket online through Spirit, the airline asked why I was going, giving a list of 11 choices. I chose education purposes - I was there to learn more about the Cuban culture to better US/Cuban relations. Its not as scary as everyone made it seem. Basically, you can't be there to get shit faced and celebrate your friend's bachelor(ette) party.

After I purchased my flight, I has to go to a separate website to apply for a Visa for about $75. Spirit Air provided me the link to the company they go through for Cuban visas. I heard confirmation from the company a few days later.

From my confirmation email from Spirit: TRAVEL TO CUBA: We noticed you're traveling to Cuba. Que bueno! There are very important rules & regulations for travel to Cuba relating to visa requirements, permissible travel reasons, Cuban health insurance (which has already been included in your ticket price) and more. Please be sure to review those details here and take care of all paperwork beforehand to ensure that your travel to Cuba is authorized. Customers who don't meet the legal requirements to travel to Cuba will not be allowed to board their flight.

I flew via Fort Lauderdale. Before my flight, I had to go to a Spirit counter and get the physical visa. The company sent Spirit the information so I just had to provide my Passport and I got my visa, which I needed to board the flight.

From Airline Brokers, the company who issued my Visa: Dear Travelers: Your visa has been accepted !!!!! passengers who are departing to HAVANA, CUBA your visa's will only be given to the person who requested and paid for them in advance through our website , they will be handed at the SPIRIT AIRLINES DEPARTURE GATE INSIDE the FORT LAUDERDALE AIRPORT FOLLOW THE SIGN THAT SAYS CUBA VISAS.

What I Did in Havana

Customs at the Havana airport was pretty normal, but at the time, very busy. Mostly with young Americans. You're supposed to keep receipts and a log of what you do during your time in Cuba, proving you were there for educational purposes, i.e. receipts from a msueum.

Don't plan on using debit or credit cards on the island. I brought about $200 with me and exchanged it at the airport. There are two different types of currency in Cuba. The Cuban Peso (CUP) and the Cuban Convertible Peso (CUC). You want to exchange most of your money to CUC. But apparently, its handy to have some small denominations in CUP for busses, etc. If your debit card is from the US, you probably won't be able to use your cards but might be able to use it at an ATM.

I stayed in a private room at an airbnb in Old Havana, near the Spanish Embassy. If you don't want to stay at a hotel because of price or any other reason, I recommend getting a room in an Airbnb in a family's apartment/house - Someone that speaks English. (Obviously, a hotel would have this sort of amenity too). Because you probably won't have cell or internet service and staying with someone who knows Havana and speaks English is key.

I called both AT&T and Verizon (personal and work phones) and both said I would have service but I did not. You need to go to a government office when you get there and get an internet card, then you can use public wifi like at a hotel.

I walked around the city for 8 to 12 hours a day. it's the most beautiful place in the world. A lot of the city is in ruin too. But I think it adds to the beauty. The people were so kind. Surprisingly, everyone, I spoke with loved Americans.

Havana is extremely safe. Tourism is one of their only imports and I heard that the government has strongly impressed upon its citizens to not fuck with tourists for that very reason. The most you'll have to deal with is the hundreds of cab drivers asking if you need a ride.

Be prepared for less than great food. Especially if you're a Cuban food fan. It might have improved since I went, but when I was there it was still clear that the country couldn't get a lot of good food imported.

Things I didn't do but wish I did. Go to the beach. The Museum of the Revolution. Like I mentioned above, I did not do enough tourist things. It was only my second trip alone and the first one was on the beach exclusively. Again, solo travel was new to me.

So I don't have all the best advice on what to see and do there. But I hope I helped with

Whenever I travel alone, I listen to a lot of podcasts as I walk around. I was doing this on my last day when a woman, probably a few years older than me, stopped me and asked where I was from. Then she told me not to have my ear buds in. I should be listening to the sounds of Havana. People chatting. Music playing. Because that's what makes it so special and beautiful.

#Cuba #havana #travel

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weannoyingbouquetgalaxy-blog1 · 6 years ago

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